It's My Life

Putting you back on the shelf....

2012-01-25T07:54:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time writing on here. I've had a new blog in the works for awhile now. This blog is full of the past and old memories that are ready to be placed back on the shelf in the closet. I continue to move forward so please join me in a new chapter of my life and a new shoebox we can store new memories in. http://msfunkmuffin.wordpress.com/ (*coming soon*)

Here is a song to say "see you soon"....never goodbye!

~its raining~

2011-06-13T23:35:00.000-07:00

Bird of Summer

2011-06-07T20:38:00.000-07:00

I am sitting outside, the sky is pink and blue and the clouds look like all different shapes of birds. There are birds flying circles around me..."tweetly" chirping and it's the prettiest picture attached with most beautiful song.

Reminds me of a tune by A Fine Frenzy....
Playing it and being in this moment right now, everything just seems so magical.

Enjoy!

2011-06-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

......
Alright so I know some of you might think this is one heck of a cheesy movie and that's ok. However, I don't :)
I love it. I watch it and it helps me hold onto hope and allows my heart to remember and dream. Why??
Well....truth is... I have a Lorenzo out there. (Throughout this blog to protect his name I will call him "my lorenzo".) A man - a true love I walked away from.
......
The ONLY thing that was not right about our story is the timing. Usually on my account. Actually always on my account. I always seemed to be in moments of brokeness whenever we were together and out of loyalty to my family or feelings of unworthiness I would push him away. Doing that left me feeling more and more broken over the years.
......
I have secretly compared him to every man I have ever met ...which.... is why I am still single. I have loved others but not like I did "him" and I thought well maybe since we've moved on in our lives and years have passed that I could find it out there again. But nope. Instead I'd see qualities he possessed in some men but that would make me miss "my lorenzo" even more and annoyed with whoever I was dating because it still wasn't like how "he" was. I have kept him on a pedestal and no man has ever compared. How do I get past that....or question is Do I even want to...???
......
So where am I at this very moment....
Laying on my patio
Mixing my tears with the rain
Playing 2 songs in particular OVER and OVER
Drifting off to dream
Wondering what it would be like to be "Claire" and seeing her love after 50 years
Remembering sweetly
and realizing how lucky I am to have had a love like that.
Memories of him make me smile and his spirit makes my heart dance.
......
Truth be told
It's better to have loved than to never have loved at all.

Singin a New Song

2011-06-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

I've always thought of May as my month of bad luck. This year something changed in my universe. All that I feared was actually teaching me a lesson and I was too stubborn to realize it. As I sat down with my therapist on the 31st of May she brought to my attention at exactly 11:11am that it was my 111th visit. I did what I always do when I see 111's: I made a wish. My wish was for that day to be just a day.... and.... that it was. All of a sudden I had the most loveliest of memories fill my mind. I couldn't believe that for the past however many years I was stuck fearing the worst and remembering the not so good when in all reality so many amazing things happened in May and those memories and the new ones I am making I will hold dear and happily think about.

Now I'm sitting here today on June 2nd. Reflecting and smiling. Three years ago today my sweet little boy was born. We had a huge party and the love that filled our home was above and beyond what I had ever expected. Everyone that either messaged us online, phoned or attended the party has had a huge impact in our lives and just their bit of presence today was and is a special gift...a gift to the heart. The day was complete and made even more perfect after receiving a very unexpected message from someone who has a very special place in my heart. Someone who has walked through every shadow of darkness and every ray of light whether with me or from afar. Just that simple little message had more meaning to it that they will ever know.

My heart is drifting off into another realm - the rain awaits and then I will try this again :)

Thank you to all who made today TODAY!!

I love you

- We love you!

Before I forget here is my new theme song for my new year:

Enjoy!!

http://voiceproject.org/index.php?id=145785511

How The Day Sounds :)

Dreaming

2011-05-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

The lyrics to this song are so beautiful and allow me to rest my head and dream.

Lele’s Song
Words and music by Bruno Merz

Far away, ends a summer day.
And the breeze it carries your quiet sigh.

‘Cos you’re tired today, and sleep won’t come,
Pretty bird, why do you hide your head and cry.

Ooh, there is a love that stays now.
Ooh, let it all fly away now.
Ooh, lie awake and you’ll find love waiting.

Little one, how far you’ve come,
Down a path that never was and easy one.
So rest your head, come lay it down.
Hear the wind calling you to fly the moonlit clouds.

Since my divorce I've struggled in the dating world. Some men added to the heartache, some so comical and outright redonkulous I'm laughing just thinking of them (but good laughter I wouldn't change anything about those moments, and some I hold dear to my heart, all in which have taught me to open up my heart
a little more and more. "The One" I have yet to find but I dream he is out there and one day........well.........one day.

Lucy Schwartz - Gravity [Official Music Video]

2011-05-21T01:01:00.000-07:00

Starlight Starbright

2011-05-21T00:17:00.000-07:00

Laptop

Night Tea

Jammies

Ipod's Heartsongs

And the night sky full of stars just awaiting wishes of all sorts.

May......

It's exactly that....... Dot... Dot... Dot

Since I was 12 years old May has been full of bad luck. This year, tables have turned....so far. We still have a few days left. I'm not focused on the "what if's" like I once was. Now I just give a heartfelt "thanks" for each day I make it through.

One occurence in particular has my heart going a little wonky

May 31st
The day "he" came into my life
As well as the day "he" walked out of my life.

This put the cherry on top of the shit sundae's I had been served May after May.
The difference this year from the ones before is I'm closer to the top of the mountain I've been climbing the last few years.

For the havoc I've given my exhusband for what he put me and my family through and as hurt as I still am, I am thankful. Sometimes the best lessons in life are learned through a time of pain. When I was young I used to dream I could fly. It's become my motto in life. "Live life learning to fly" There is a reason for everything right. Well perhaps my marriage to Justin was for the mere purpose that he was the one to give me the gift of wings in order for me to fly. Without him I wouldn't have gone through the amount of healing I have. My life has changed. My heart has this love and hope and wonder within that had never existed before. So how can I not be thankful. He forced me to live again.

There is a poem that is not only my favorite but has become my signature...
It's by a french poet named Guillaume Apollinaire
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall."
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

Justin pushed me to the edge. I was falling and just as I was about to hit the rock bottom....
I flew.
Now I thank you!
So now I shalt not celebrate the anniversary of the upcoming date with regret but with thanks.
I love him so dearly for giving me this gift....

Always.

Here is my new May theme song.
Come fly with me.....and enjoy................................. <3
Posted above :)

Self Induced Craziness

2011-05-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

But good crazy :)

I decided to go on a little road trip with my kids. Originally we were supposed to go to BC however my vehicle has yet to be fixed after a I was rear ended a few months ago. So I didn't think it was a smart idea to drive 18+ hours with a broken tail light. We settled for Regina and I'm so glad we did. We went on an adventure to the Science Center & Imax, Royal Sask Museum, Candy Lane Park, watersliding at the Delta and checked out some Health food stores to see what kind of GF treasures we could find. Driving and entertaining 4 kids on my own in a strange place took it's toll on me. I've been coffee free for a month and a half and not only did I divulge in numerous cups of green tea but also succumbed to the need for coffee and Red Bull. I wish I had the energy my kids have. I need to bottle the energy from all 4 and drink it so I can keep up and not want to fall asleep at the wheel. My kids however were amazing. I mean out-freaking-standing. Best travellers, well behaved and happy. I'm a lucky mama!!

As crazy busy as the trip was so is ever day of our life. Yesterday I didn't stop until 2am and I was up at 7am . I realize sometimes it's good to just sit and be still. This time I'm forced to sit and be still....well as still as I can with the house chores that are a must and the errands that still have to be run so the Guinea Pigs can eat.. etc... I was doing my cardio yesterday and must have pinched a nerve or pulled a muscle or both because I'm not able to stand on it for too long. I was so bummed because well I've been on a pretty hard core Cardio Regime and this has put a dint in it. But obviously I needed that dint so I could just be.

Well tea is steeped and my children are ready to go out for a play so I think sipping on this tasty beverage out on the patio and enjoy the energetic giggles!

Happy and Free

2011-05-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought having Celiac and Thyroid Disease would add more joy and adventure to my life.

Sure don't get me wrong I feel like absolute garbage some days but when I'm stuck on the couch feeling ill I grab the computer and search Gfree stuffs or pull out a new cookbook and plan yet another journey into the food world.

With a troublesome thyroid I've been struggling very low iron levels as well. I've been searching for shakes to help add nutrients into my diet as well as my childrens. I have finally narrowed it down to 2 Dairy Free/Gluten Free/Soy Free powders :)

My kids LOVES the Vega Vanilla Chai for flavor which I'm very impressed. I loved it as well. I have been craving Chai Latte's lately but have refrained because they just don't taste the same with rice milk and being lactose free nowadays that would just be bad news. I was tired driving home from Regina last night so I mixed up a shake and got a nice healthy energy boost from it, feeling revitalized and fresh and had my craving met.

As for the Pumpkin Protein, I am sipping on that right now. I mixed it in with a quarter cup of blueberries and just blended it together. My kids didn't like it but I sure do. As for them I mixed it in the pancake batter to make it extra healthy. It's too yummy not to share!

Here ya go:

2 small ripe bananas

1 egg

1tsp vanilla

1/4 safflower oil

1 1/4c coconut milk

1c Bob's Red Mill GF baking mix flour

1tsp baking soda

1tsp baking powder

3 scoops of pumpkin protein powder

2 handfuls of chocolate chips

From my kitchen to yours.......Enjoy :))

....

2011-02-22T22:09:00.000-08:00

If I gave you a penny for my thoughts and how many times I've attempted a posting you would be a millionaire.

I had been having this debate with my mind and my thoughts trying to process the stage of life I was in. Somedays I would just sit and think and if you were to ask me to describe those thoughts the only thing I would be able to mutter from my mouth would be "like.... what the fuck". Nothing was making sense. I felt like the hands of time were being reversed and there I was 16 again, then 17, then 20 then 25. Moments of my past that were furthest from my so-called "happy place" had resurfaced.

I really wasn't sure what it all meant but as I sit here, right now, I understand and I can appreciate that I needed to hit another little bump in the road so I could pick myself up, brush the dirt off my feet and walk again. It felt like I was crawling in the darkness on bruised knees in a pool of my hearts own blood. My insides were crying and screaming begging to be fixed, I was cursing his name dying to understand "WHY" and I just didn't want to understand anymore. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. "Show me a sign I would say....hmm if you are really there than show me a fucking sign". (if you know me I have extreme trouble using the "f" word except under certain circumstances....so I apologize to those that mind find it offensive and harsh but it's literally the only way to properly describe the exact feeling in that moment...and that's it)

He did..... but I was too stubborn and stuck in my emotions that I couldn't hear it or see it. So I kept begging and pleading and then there it was. Driving on the highway as I turned my head to the left to make a lane change I slammed on my breaks (yes in the middle of the highway) amazed by the glorious site I pulled over to the side of the road. Casting Crowns "Who I Am" blasting through my vehicle....the vision.....a perfect rainbow with a perfectly bright shining sun in the middle. Tears poured out uncontrollably and the only words I could mutter at this time were "thank you....i love you too....thank you" The heat from the sun beaming through my window seeped right into my heart and the warmth just melted all the ice that was left lingering and made me feel hopeful.

A new chapter began at that moment!

Out with the old in with the new :)

2011-02-15T12:39:00.000-08:00

Here is the link along with a write up to describe the very meaning of the day and what it meant to take this photoshoot.

www.organicphotography.ca

Out of My Hands

2010-12-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

The song speaks for itself!!

He never let's go!

2010-10-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

A question isn't always "just" a question. Sometimes it's a realization!

As of late I was asked this by a few people...
"How is it that you are still alive and not hold so much hate or bitterness towards the world?"

Thinking of the answer, my entire life flashed before my very eyes.
I wasn't able to answer the question on the spot. I needed to reflect on how to answer it because it came to me so powerfully, my throat closing in and my chest getting heavy and my eyes starting to swell, I decided to share it on my blog and with this special song attached.

For some reason.....God chose to save me.
HE SAVED ME!

In all the times I was faced with darkness he never let go of my hand, He pulled me out of my death and He saved me!

If what I witnessed was death and what I saw when my eyes were opened was life than why shouldn't I see anything but beauty and hope. The world is full of love and song and dance and he breathed the breath of life back into me, so in order for me to show gratitude and appreciation for being lifted up from the grave that was ready for me I need to be thankful and live as best as I can and be thankful for every moment because I am here.

I am not perfect, I am not always making the right choices, I still have trouble with some hurt but I accept that I need to walk through the fire and I do it wearing His suit of armor. I know I will fumble, stumble and fall and in those moments I am reminded why I am here and what I need to do to get back up again and that in every one of those moments there is a lesson and something good will come from it.

The words on a blog, the song of "never let go" on repeat...is weighing intensely yet delicately on my heart. Coming to this realization is so powerful in my world of thought and emotion I could use a warm bath and a glass of wine right about now... And that's exactly what I'm gonna do :)

These put the "Be" back in Be-auty!

2010-10-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

I thought pimples were for teenagers. YIKES was I wrong After reaction after reaction to gluten in my beauty products I was overwhelmed with the breakouts and desperate to find something to help my skin go back to nromal. After using this product for a few days I am already seeing a difference.

I didn't realize that gluten in my makeup and soaps would cause a problem. Boy was I wrong. I should have guessed after how sensitve I am with food and still having far too many reactions after being on a strict food diet...why oh why were things not improving.... Well, there was gluten in EVERYTHING else I was putting on my body and it was seeping into my pores. Makes sense! So all my products were instantly trashed and I was on the hunt for new GFree items.
Here are some I've found so far and I'm quite happy with.
Shampoo, Conditioner and Body Wash are from Desert Essence. I found these products at Skin Deep on 2nd Ave.

As for make up these are the new products that have landed themselves in my beauty bag :) All I've ever needed was foundation, mascara, blush and a gloss. These items are a little more expensive than what I"m used to however it's worth not feeling sick afterwards!
Lip Gloss is from Burt's Bee's My Favorite is Guava....it's pretty!!

The only other 3 must have's foundation, blush and mascara are all from Mary Kay. A friend of mine is a consultant and she checked with the head researcher of the company to make sure the products were safe for a Celiac. After using them for a few days I've noticed they last longer on my face, I'm not breaking out, my skin is left feeling fresh and I don't have to reapply at all. Phewf... because I"m not much of a make up girl to begin with so the less I have to do with it the better.

Hope this helps a little and as I find new Gfree products I'll post them.

When it snows.....

2010-10-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

BAKE!!

I don't turn my furnace on when it gets a little chilly in the house, I preheat my oven to 350 and start creating magic in the kitchen. Nothing better than some nice warm soul food!!

Here are a couple delicious gluten free/vegan recipes...
ENJOY :)

Pumpkin Muffins

I have to double up on this recipe. A single batch lasts less than 24hrs.
1/2c tapioca flour
1/2c chickpea flour
1/2c brown rice flour
3tbsp milled flaxseed
1tsp baking soda
1tsp nutmeg
2tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp himalayen salt
1c pumpkin puree
1/2 vegetable oil
1c sugar
2tsp egg replacer mixed with 4tbsp water

Fill up your muffin cups and bake at 350 for approx 20 mins. My oven is a little less because of how hot it gets. So maybe start with 15 mins and check and go from there. To know they are ready you'll want to make sure the tops of your muffins are a little brown.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

3/4c earth balance butter
1c packed brown sugar
1/2c white sugar
1tsp vanilla
2tsp egg replacer mixed with 4tbsp water
1c white rice flour
1tbsp Xanthum Gum
2tsp gluten free baking powder
1/2tsp himalayen salt
1c Almond flour
Add in a cup of your favorite chocolate chips and keep the batter away from little fingers :))

Melt the butter and add in your egg replacer, sugars and vanilla. Mix altogether and then add all your dry ingredients. Bake at 350 for 12mins if you are using tablespoon size dropping of batter.

Pray and serve with love!!

Cheers to Chocolate

2010-10-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

There are days when a woman just NEEDS her chocolate fix.

I have been dying to find a yummy delcious chocolate cake that is gluten free.
Well here it is. The texture afterwards is a creamy fudge like cake.
It's quick and easy and worth every mouth-watering bite!

Enjoy my friends!!

Quinoa Fudge Cake

2/3 c golden quinoa
1 1/3 c water
1/3 c rice or almond milk
4 lrg eggs (or egg replacer)
1tsp pure vanilla extract
3/4 c butter (I use a dairy and soy free butter found at dad's nutrtion)
1 1/2 c cane sugar
1 c cacao powder
1 1/2tsp baking powder
1/2tsp baking soda
1/2 himalayen salt

Cook the Quinoa in the water. Fluff it up when done
Best idea is to cook Quinoa ahead of time and keep it in your fridge and take it out as you need it.

Preheat your oven to 350.

Grease your pan or line it with some parchment papier.

Now for the goods
Add your milk, egg replacer and vanilla in a blender or food processor. Then add the quinoa and butter and blend away...

Whisk your sugar, cacao, baking powder, baking soda and salt and then add those ingredients to the blender as well.

This is......

2010-10-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have been reflecting on this song for awhile now.
I need to share it.
I don't need to blog the song speaks for itself...this is where my heart is at this very moment
So CLOSE your eyes and just ENJOY!!!!

Life is Autumn

2010-10-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

Just as the season,

life is full of colors and change

some days bright, other days grey

some warm and some cold.

Here in the McNaught home we are always experiencing change of some sort. I wish sometimes it were miniscule such as moving a dresser or couch to change the look of a room but we are always hit with something BIG that changes the dynamics in our family lifestyle.

I have always had issues with my health that were going untreated and I was always left with this question mark flashing above my head. Some days it is still flashing. But less and less. Turns out a lot of my issues were due to Celiac disease. It was left undiagnosed for so many years that my small intestine is quite severly damaged that. I cannot tolerate any type of cross contamination. I am on such a strict diet and my body has become so sensitive that I've had to since go on a dairy, egg and soy free diet as well. I LOVE food and trying out recipes and dining out trying a variety of dishes. Now being limited I was relieved to finally know the cause of so many problems I had in the past and to date but bummed because of how rediculously sensitve I've become and limited with what I can eat.

However saying that I also like being limited of what I can and cannot eat. It has forced our family to take a close look at the food and drink we put into our bodies and why we should eat what we do and why we shouldn't eat other types of food but were out of mere convenience.

I am homeschooling my children and we have the luxury of being able to study food closely and experiment with new ingredients in our kitchen on a daily basis. I LOVE how my children are becoming so educated in nutrition and what will keep them healthy so when they are grown adults and leave their safety nest they will walk into the world and be fully prepared.

Thinking I was limited with food when I was diagnosed has since changed.....There is a world of food that I didn't know exsisted and now the fun begins :)

So first big change - our family diet

Second big change - drum rollllllllll please brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

HOMESCHOOLING/UNSCHOOLING :))))

I'm so freaking excited about this whenever I think about it or am learning more about it I'm doing a happy dance. My children always wanted to try it out but I was always to busy. Life is a new busy since starting homeschooling. I love seeing what my kids are learning and being able to incorporated life skills into their daily learning. Life is about learning, school work has become funner, we have more time for extracurricular activites and family time and we are becoming closer because of it. They are still very social little people, sometimes too social so that's not even up for arguement it's a misconception....a false fact to be exact. I do have a more compassionate appreciate for teachers out there because they don't have just one or two students it's a class of 30 give or take. They have an extreme amount of work and pressure on their shoulders. I hope that when my children enter back into the school world if they so choose that they too will have a greater admiration for the teacher as well.

Now for 3rd change....
Challenging to say the least.
My kids were hit with the news that their dad is having a baby.
Shocker....not totally. Sickening....yes. Stressful and worrysome....incredibly.
A man that can barely take are of the kids he has now to add another one to the mix has my kids world turned upside down feeling feelings that are totally unfair for their little hearts to deal with. These kids have been through more turmoil because of selfishness and retardness than words can express. Strongest children you'll ever meet, kind, gentle, loving, compassionate and thoughtful hearts of 4 amazing children. I never wanted any of this hurt and harm to my children and as a mama bear I'm so extremely in protective mode when it comes to them. Sometimes I get lost in emotion and am unsure of how to handle the news the kids have had to face. I have to admit it's extremely hard to love another human being that hurts people so easily especially the ones closest to me. It's one thing to have hurt me the way he did but the kids it's a different story. I want to be kind towards him and love him and respect him but I feel pushed over the edge and anger succumbs me. One day....it's a work in progress but it will get there....just need more time. And thats fair to ask for under these circumstances.

Change #4
Help..... Since exhusband left and how he left it was so traumatic that my brain just had no idea how to handle it. It set off things such as the autoimmune disease and made past events resurface. PTSD. There is a new study that has come out that is supposed to do wonders for the recovery of PTSD and I was accepted into the study. I'm excited to finally get to a point where I may be healed mentally from everything that's happened.

So it is October.....Thanksgiving weekend and my life is doing another complete 360. A change! A change for the better. A mission to work towards a healthier body, mind and soul.
Look out 2011 cuz I'm about to dance my way through another year but this time a dance of renewal :))

Hold Onto Hope Love

2010-09-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

I do not need to write anything.....this songs sings the feelings within my heart....

Enjoy :)

Sometimes...

2010-08-24T08:50:00.000-07:00

I wish I had more time to write
to dream and be still in the moment

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time
and remember what it felt like

Sometimes I wish I could jump
into my painting and feel the color, feel the feeling within the color

Sometimes I wish I could hold
onto the moment a little longer, hold onto my children longer

Sometimes I wish I could cry
and then swim in the river of tears

Sometimes I wish when I close my eyes
that I'd become a butterfly and am fluttering aside a bluebell

Sometimes I wish I was a bird
and I could fly around the world and sprinkle down love

Sometimes I wish I was a fly
on a wall because then maybe I would understand

Sometimes I wish I didn't care

Sometimes I wish I was loved....
actually I wish that all the time

Sometimes I wish
Sometimes I dream
Sometimes I am
Sometimes I am not
Someday it will be
Someday I will be

Sometimes I wish it were now
Sometimes...

A Moment to Ponder......

2010-01-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about who I am, who I've become, how I got here, what should and shouldn't I settle for, what I want for my children, and what I want for me and our future.

Sure we can't think too much into the future and we can only control so much on our own. But we do need to be consciously aware that our actions and decisions in life is what helps to pave the path we are on.

Being honest about our deep desires and not allowing oneself to settle is extremely tough. In the meantime we can become vulnerable and question our own feelings which can play tricks on our heart. But that's a part of growing and a part of life.

So who am I, who have I become and how did I get here....
Well I am me, Carissa: a Christian, a woman, a mother, a friend, a daughter and a sister. It's pretty self explainable on how I became a woman, mother, friend, daughter and sister :)) but how I became a Christian and what that means to me. That I haven't really shared.

When I was delinquent youngster I pretty much turned away from Christ, or tried my best to. I grew up with a pretty solid foundation thanks to my parents. I came from a Catholic upbringing, home and school. When I was going through so much trouble I still found myself praying or writing poetry crying out to God asking for Him to save me. But what I didn't realize at the time is that He was saving me I just had to accept him into my heart. I was laying in bed one day and I am not sure why I had the bible on my night table because at that time I could have cared less about the bible. But it was. I heard this voice inside my head saying loudly...read me read me, just do it c'mon.....it was so loud that I actually cupped my hands over my ears to drown it out but it just got louder. So I looked at "the book" placed it in my hands and just opened it. What book did it fall on.....JOB!!

After that I just felt this desire and passion in my heart to rediscover this Lord and the journey led me to a different church than which I was raised in but what I learned was that Christ was still Christ no matter what denomination I was choosing to visit. That it didn't matter what church or what bible I was reading that it was about the personal relationship I was developing in my own time, in my own home and my own heart. The bible yes as important as it is, not just because it's some book but because it holds the teachings, the word of God. His spirit is within the written scripture. We can't see Him standing in front of us but what we do have is His word and when you have faith in your heart it's not about seeing Him or reading about Him it's feeling Him in your heart, mind and soul.

What I discovered along this journey so far is that there is no greater love that fills your heart than His love and that everything else looks a lot more beautiful and there is more meaning to this thing called life. Every step you take is different and brighter because you realize you are walking towards something so great it's hard to describe how great. I feel blessed to be able to follow in my parents footsteps and teach my children about the Lord and Life and Love.

I have also discovered how broken I am.....stronger than I was but still broken, I still need to be healed. I am not perfect, I have made choices in my life that aren't exactly good, I've been vulgar at times and just simply stepped off the path at times. But I try my best, I try! The Lord has blessed me with a lot of ups and downs, and yes even the downs are a blessing because it's a lesson in which we can either do better or do worse and God hopes we do better but He is there to catch us when we fall or hold our hand and walk forward with us.

With that said, the events in my past that I've experienced have really made me think what can I take from all of that and implement it to my decisionmaking nowadays and what am I worth and ready to settle for. I cannot settle for a life without God first. This journey is too incredible!

I love my family life. It's a gift to me in which I treasure everyday. I would love to share that with someone special one day, when the time is right. In the past I settled for mediocre, for the hope to be loved like I love. I thought oh me and the kids will be fine but things backfired. I wasn't valued, and me and the kids were taken for granted. I refuse to settle for that again.

Recently I thought maybe I had found that. There was sweetness and passion. Things I had never experienced before. But it became lost rather quick, lost in a me me me world which reminded me of just what I came out of. I felt disrespected and taken for granted. I had so much to offer but I felt like it wasn't good enough but then I would feel good enough and swept off my feet to only have that change depending on the day. Relationships have taught me that the only way it can simply work is if you are walking hand in hand and in relationship with Christ. To love unselfishly and always think of how you can make that person happy that day and how you can love that person and not demand or expect, but with that said, it needs to come naturally. What I want for my children is to have a mom that is strong and healthy but sensitive and everloving. When I welcome that person into my life I want them to have a role model, a man of absolute love and zest for life and family and love and just gentle in spirit. Someone who is ready and gets it because Lord knows they don't have that in a manly role currently.

What I have realized is that I don't "need" to be loved because I already am but what I want is to find that true love in a man one day, and be loved. I think it will happen, I'm a romantic at heart and a dreamer. But what I know is you can't go lookin for it, it will find you ;) And I hope it find me in my future.....

Wow, I've managed to ramble on quite a bit. I might have to reread and make sure it all makes sense. Oh well, it just felt good to sit in quiet and write what was weighing on my heart.

Till next time......
Blessings from my heart to yours xo

Blogger Is Back!

2009-11-22T08:24:00.001-08:00

I am sitting here on a Sunday morning, children laughing, playing and of course fighting in the background. My heart has been aching to write again. There is something about blogging that is just so therapeutic, public..... yes, personal...... definitely, but...... it's life. Life is not meant to be sheltered or hidden and through blogging in the past I have connected with such amazing and wonderful people and together we are not alone. Not writing the past 6 mths I have felt a bit of emptiness. I have been writing for 3 years now and life has taken a turn in such a beautiful way that I can't help it anymore :))

So where I left off, I was still a married woman - stand up ALL, and give me a WOOT WOOT....well I am now Divorced. I say that with such happiness and relief. Not just because I am free of my ex but I am FREE of the baggage that came with being attached to him, my heart is free of the ache and pain.

When did it start...... well back in July I was invited by my sweet sister friend to her church camp. We were invited every year as a family but it just never happened, this year it was approaching around another empty wedding anniversary and I felt the need and call in my heart to go with the kids. One of the best gifts my friend has ever shared with me (aside from her heart) the spirit flowed that week, touched my heart in ways I never imagined could ever be possible. To try and explain the feeling is beyond what words are capable of but the closest I can think of is the most beautiful, gentle hug that just filled my body with the sense of "I am loved by Him" and I am not alone, I could feel the broken pieces of my heart start to mend right in that moment, it was physically painful yet physically warming, tears flowed and flowed and flowed. I came home from the camp and had the need to move. Start over, start fresh, start NEW! So that's exactly what I did.

I was instantly approved for a mortgage and bought my very first home, moved within a couple weeks. I got rid of some things, and rearranged some old things and the kids and I decided it was time to not have my ex come and go in our home. When he would it felt like this dark cloud suffocating us. Our new house wasn't just a house it became a home a place of stability, love and new found hope and we needed to make sure nothing was going to taint that. Every day we were healing and the pain was disappearing. Sure we were still piecing together issues regarding visitation and new feelings of anger and resentment was starting to boil but, I just let it out, I couldn't hold it in anymore I needed "him" to know just how I felt and feel and just like that I was set free a ;ittle more. I can look at him now and see nothing, he is merely a person, one in which I share children with but it's like any love or hate I felt for that man vanished, I am numb to it and it's absolutely breathtaking.

((....A secret....even my subconscious is free!! Every night from the moment the nightmare started I would have this reoccurring dream. Every night for the first year i would wake up in a state of panic and this sharp pain in my heart it literally felt like someone was ripping my heart in half, no tylenol or advil in my medicine cabinet worked, any medication the doctors would prescribe wouldn't work and the dreams wouldn't stop. I felt like this was my death, I wanted it to end for it to go away and be over. I felt like "he" took everything from me, "she" was helping him, I couldn't stand the pain my kids were dealing with everyday and I was tired of hard it was to just breath. I couldn't even find peace in my sleep how could I find peace when I would wake. Then after everything I wrote about above about starting new and the experience at the camp and just starting over...... the dreams started changing, I could feel myself letting go in my sleep, then it happened......

my last dream .... happened like this.......

"he is crying, begging for forgiveness, professing his love, wanting to come home.. we are in public, he is standing in front of me but I can see through him like he is a ghost, I don't believe it, any of it, I can't have it, I say goodbye and he stands there "exposed" in front of everyone (at tim hortons *giggle*) and everyone is staring and pointing, there must have been 40 people eyeing him down and just like that it was done. I woke up, there was no pain in my heart, I was laughing. So my interpretation, is I finally saw "through" him and so did everyone else.

The dreams are gone, the feelings are gone, the love is gone, the marriage is over.....

Now my heart is learning how to trust again, how to open up again, how to love again. It's a world I'm not used to and I've been away from it for 8 years, it's exciting, it's positively thrilling, it's sensational, and heartwarming. Every once in awhile thoughts and feelings of being unworthy of love and happiness creep in and I get scared and that is the only part of hate that I still have towards "him" Hearing I was not good enough for so long, it's hard to stop those tapes from rolling in my mind but it's getting better, everyday those voices are lowering and the last bit of myself is healing.

My dad always said that famous saying that I didn't quite get until now....

"where one door closes.............. another one opens"

Well it's opened - and it's fricking awesome!!

So this sums it up, where I am...... 6 mths later :)) I couldn't have done it without you, your prayers, your encouragement, love of family and friends and strangers and most of all the Grace of our One and Only!!

I love you too........

2009-05-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

There was a message tonight to post a link to my bestfriends blog, and as I read the words she wrote, I couldn't have wrote it any better myself. It's truth, love and heartache. Thank you for writing with your heart Kristin!!! So if everyone could please click on this link and read the post Kristin wrote about our family......it's beautiful~!.

http://whatyoutalkingaboutkrissie.blogspot.com/

It's all in the post, The good the bad and the ugly!

from the inside....out

2009-05-13T00:45:00.000-07:00

What my heart has ached this past year is well best worded by the professionals....."traumatic". How can a mind make any sense out of something so horrible? It can't....simply can't. Recently a few more things happened that...well....just shouldn't have. And after going over in my head what could I have done different, the answer is nothing.

I have had ghosts in my life. Ones I have wanted to face for years. And going through this separation with my husband has helped me to find ways to lay certain things to rest. I have struggled with forgiveness and how to go about it and what boundaries I should have and how much trust to give. I wanted nothing more than to do the right thing, and I never thought for one second that the right thing could turn out to be a horrific thing. And really that goes for everything.

I gave my hand, my heart, my body, my love, my life, and my trust to only have it all shattered, rejected, put down, spat on, torn apart and scarred. How dare these men in my life take me for granted and toy around with every bit of my being. To what, gain some satisfaction in their life, to justify the crap they call "good". To try and convince me that I am a nothing, a nobody, a crazy idiot. To try and convince others of such. The line has been crossed for the last time. How dare you make me feel little, how dare you rob me of love, how dare you tear apart something we worked so hard to create. How dare you put the other one in front of your everything, our everything. But you SOB's can have eachother. You will never ever take another piece of me again, you will never take anymore from my children. You and everyone involved in "your world" have a distorted vision of what respect, and love truly is. I want no part anylonger. You can have eachother because I am done.

It has been almost a year since this shit. I am not taking one ounce of this with me another year. I am done. It's disturbing, chaotic shit and they can have that .....I will allow it no longer. I am turning a new leaf and for those of you that know me you will enjoy the newness with me. I am going to move forward and start a clean path to walk on this year. The church and friends and family I have in my life far outweigh the Aholes. My kids and I are starting a new beginning. This new year is going to be beautiful and full of life and togetherness. I have so many fun things planned for this year and I know, I truly hope our family will shine. We have yet another mountain to climb but this time...any so called "mountain goats" get my my way or the way of my children, let hope they are wearing a nut guard because my steel toed boots are ready!!!!!!

I have been dreading this moment. I have dabbled a few times in saying goodbye to the blogger world but now I have no choice, as well as saying goodbye to so many other things as well. I have decided to take my writings and make something of it......

Thank you all who have supported me and my family through this hell.
Blessings from my heart to yours.

No Words......

2009-05-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

Amidst the Chaos

2009-04-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

Friday after having a bit of a mental breakdown, bawling after being puked on and pooped on and kids screaming and the dumbness invading my brain from the lack of sleep, well my sweet friend reminded me to stop and pray, pray for God to give me the strength I will need to get through that day. I took Cohen in my arms, layed on the couch and started praying. I literally said "AMEN" and Carter raced down the stairs "Mom, your friend is here" ... "What friend Carter"..."The one with the curly hair". In wonderment I went upstairs as Becca was meeting me half way, "I'm here to help, what can I do".... WHAT??????? SERIOUSLY?????? My grandma called and said she would be able to come in....WHAT?????? An hour later Justin called to lend a hand WHAT??????? Well........was that not a prayer just answered. For all of that and more I am thankful. I feel so blessed to have the help around here that I need, usually when I least expect it. Friends and family, you are wonderful!!!! And for those that are praying You are wonderful!!!!!!!!!

I am sitting here thinking of everything I am thankful for which has minimized the feelings of being overwhelmed.... My top 20!

1) my friends daily reminders to stop, pray and be thankful

2) some loving and encouraging words from my family

3) friends offering to babysit

4) friends just popping on in to help with laundry and dinner and watching the kids so I can nap and take Cohen to the hospital

5) extra help from the kids dad

6)the 45 minute nap that I was able to have

7) the hour long bath in my spa room

8) Icecream :P

9) water/soap combinations to rid the stench of upchuck

10) a great working washer and dryer

11) easy and quick meals

12) a super fast Family Pizza nearby

13) my dustbuster

14) my bed...it's so comfy

15) my kids patience

16) leather couches (they wipe so easily)

17) the spring weather so I could open up the windows and air out the house

18) jammies

19) the Bible to give me comfort

20) nintendo ds (brain age 2) to get my mind busy

Randomness Day

2009-04-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

I was surprised I got up and ready as fast as I did this morning. I mean I knew the life insurance dude was coming this morning however past "inhome" appointments I am still in my jammies. Nope not today - and good thing I might add because he showed up dressed in a gentleman's suit and very handsome indeed - so distracted by hit hottness that I was practically feeding Brady's forehead. Same thing happened the other day, I'm at the "center" and I happen to run into "again" this wonderful gentleman and I say gentleman because he is in every sense of the word and I stood there weak in the knees totally melting like jello, even after dancing a little latin chacha you'd think I'd be all cool but nope, I totally felt like a dork. I guess I kinda am a dork surrounded by these extremely good good looking men.

I mean I have been around man friend's and it doesn't phase me but since I've entered the so-called single's world I've become a tad nervous and I'm not normally nervous. But I feel like this : You know when you were in elementary school ... the early early years, and you'd see a cute boy on the playground, look at him - giggle - smile - and run away. That's EXACTLY how I feel. But being a grown woman it looks rather strange and I do just that except not exactly run away :) and on top of it I feel like the words that come out of my mouth sound a little like yogabbagagga babble.

So back to life insurance - One more thing off my to do list.
I have started thinking about the "future" in a realistic sort of way. What happens when the kids decide they want to go to school..... enroll children in RESP's (check)
What happens if I become ill or non-existent in human form (ok dead but I hate that word it just sounds so morbid and not just because it is morbid but it's just an ugly word).... so I made a will and applied for life insurance (double check)
Now before "JS's" next visit to put up a sign on my bathroom door saying "no toasters allowed" ...kidding kidding kidding.

After the meeting was over this morning my parents came by to babysit the kids and I was off to my "hair heaven" Color Bar, to see Sheena. She is just one of the greatest hair stylists around. I will drop any activity or vacation planned to have the chance to SIT in her hair chair. She just knows what you need without you saying it and she never does a bad job, heck she never does a mediocre job... I always enter feeling a bit drab and boring and leave feeling like one hot mamma. So Sheena's treat of the day, back to blonde I go. Blonde is my natural hair color and to help get me back to where I once was and have a fresh look for spring I have a combination of lo-lites and high-lites.

I get home and am lovingly and excitedly greeted at the door by my 4 little munchkins who act like I've been gone on a week long vacation when in all actuality I was gone for a total of one hour and forty five minutes. One of many reasons why I love being a mom. A few moments later my phone rang....My dear sweet neighbour Lou. She is a woman of ageless wonder, late 70's and watching her 4 young grandchildren. We had a nice visit outside watching the children play and then it started to get bitterly cold so we moved inside and had a hot cup of tea and continued our chat. See Lou's husband has been passed now for 2 years. They were married for 50 years and shared 7 children together. She still loves her husband with all her heart. And as she sat across from me and talked about him I just couldn't take my eyes off of her. Her eyes started to get a little watery and red yet she had the biggest smile. I was just captivated by the little things she would mention about him, just ordinary stuff but it seemed so magical. Then she had to go, and I found myself wanting more, as if she was a storyteller ending the day on chapter one, it's just getting good, learning a bit about the characters and the plot and then the book closed ---until next time. I know Lou likes tea and loves to talk so I am sure there will be a next time. That and she said so :)

And that brings us to tonight. It was a busy night like most nights. Tonight the two little ones were a bit of a handful. But a happy little bunch. Brady was so excited to be in the bathtub that be pooped and when I took him out to clean things up he peed, I bathed him a total of 4 times. And Cohen, off the bottle *fingers crossed* hopefully forever. His bottle has been his crutch these past months, kinda like his security blanket. So tonight he asked for milk in a sippy cup and I thought perfect opportunity to see if he is willing to give his bottles to my friends baby Avery. So I got him a big bag, he packed ALL his bottles, nipples and caps and hung it on the mailbox in hopes that Avery's mommy would come pick it up but what he doesn't know is that, that's not happening because they just left for Hawaii... Which reminds me I better bring in the bag of bottles and hide them downstairs. We had one instance tonight where Cohen asked if he could have a bottle, I said he had enough milk and the bottles were all gone to bye bye land. So once this bigboy step is mastered completely we'll be back to potty training. Right now it's starting but we're not overly (stupiess) ------ (wow I just dozed off and that was the last word typed. Where did that come from and what does it mean) Odd!! I guess that's it...I'm pooped, sleep looks good about now, Brady is crashed beside me. I'm outtie!!
Toodles...
till next time xo

Happy Easter

2009-04-14T23:42:00.000-07:00

Easter is about Jesus, dying on the cross to save us from our sins and give us life everlasting. Sure we have chocolate bunny treats galore, toys and gifts, turkey stuffing and mashed potatoes, decorated boiled eggs and springy flowers but what about celebrating the true blessing each one of us has been given..................Life. Taking a moment and thanking God for something so big yet something we take for granted each and every day.

Emily, I am thankful for your true beauty inside and out. I have never met another little girl who has a heart more full of love than yours. I admire your spirit and how it flows from being a child to grownupland but when you hug me you are still my baby girl in every way.

Carter, I am thankful for your imagination, without your stories I would forget what it is like to be a child and I am thankful I am reminded of that innocence each and every day. We are able to dream during the day because of your bright little mind.

Cohen, I am thankful for your humor, your laughter and your sillyness. When I look at you I am reminded of Grandpa Corky and his will to chuckle in every occasion. Your joy is like my sunshine no matter what time of day it is.

My Brady boo, I am thankful for your baby strength. You are so little yet so mighty, you have had the will to live from the moment you entered this world. You are this little ball of love, life and adventure all rolled into one.

Thank you God for my children, when I look at them I see Your truth.
Love, love and more love, from our hearts to yours
Happy Easter

.................. ............. .......... ..... ... .

:S

2009-04-14T23:01:00.000-07:00

www.carissaseitz.blogspot.com
I did a post and tried importing it, but I am still trying to learn about all the fancy blogger stuff so click on the link and enjoy a mini Easter post.
As well I think I am going to drop the newer blog... I am finding it way too hard to keep up with one blog let alone two blogs. So I am going to continue on with www.jcseitz.blogspot.com. Keep it fresh, keep it real, mommy, me, kids, life laddydah didah stuff :)

A Kit Kat Moment

2009-04-13T22:45:00.000-07:00

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............

I just got Brady to sleep, it is almost midnight and I thought what better what to sit and think about what to blog about but by taking a break and enjoying a kit kat bar. Yes I am my own commercial at times but hey, when you spend a lot of time alone or with children this kind of stuff is amusing. Gets me thinking, which I am told I do wayyy too much of.

Guess my thinking is going to have to continue because Brady just woke up as I finished that sentence and Cohen is also waking up. As well I accidentally finished my kit kat bar a LITTLE too fast :S

But here is a sneak peek of what I have been thinking about....forgiveness, stillness and happyness and the power of NESS and love, marriage, cons of the mind and heart and Easter the miracle :)

Before I forget...Happy Easter!!!!

My Climb

2009-03-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

For those reading this through facebook click on www.jcseitz.blogspot.com ...I have some special music that captures my moment and emotion....
Here goes:

I picture the Lord standing beside us humans as we face the mountains in front of us and gently helping us along. Letting us take the climb but providing that fatherly lift when we just can't anymore.

Lord, You know who I am, yet you love me so. You never let me down you. You allowed me to stand in front of you and scream and curse you, yet you placed your hand on my shoulder and kissed my cheek and said "Daughter I love you. Come with me, I can't guarantee you won't hurt and feel broken at times but when you hold my hand, I will walk you through....even if you don't want to at the time I will never leave you"

A child of Christ I am and am becoming. I came from the gutter and I am not perfect, oh not even close. If I share what I am about to share you will know me, all of me and why accepting yet another cross is now ok...because I know it will be ok. You have seen the heartbreak my kids and I have lived through the past 10 mths but here is the last 14 years in a shrunken version. So you ask, how can I smile during times like these, how can I find happiness during times like these...well this is why.... :)

I was a stubborn, hard shelled little girl. One that thought she knew everything but knew nothing. I was picked on and ostrasized and always a follower. Just wanting to belong. And one day I did. To a troubled boy, who took something from me and scarred a part of me that I'm still blacked out from, which led to suicidal attempts, fights with parents, drugs, drinking, smoking, partying, rape, battling eating disorders, held against my will, being kicked out of my home at 15, living on the streets, in friends basements, at the YWCA, at friends homes, in my car, in and out of councelling centers, a taste of juevenile hall, psych ward to detox, dealing drugs, more men, more parties, hurting my siblings, hurting my family, walked out of highschool, got involved with a very unhealthy man, abusive in every way, had a baby, went into hiding, moved to Toronto engaged to another bad news bear, moved back home, didn't make the best choices while being a single parent, then enrolled myself into college to make a difference, met Justin, lost babies, had surgeries, moved around, had babies, married Justin and well the rest of it you know (if not check out the older posts they are available at the side of the blog:)).

I have attempted to destroy this temple God blessed me with, I have allowed people to walk on me, control me and hurt me, I have managed to do it to myself as well. And why? I don't know, I really don't. But from ALL of this I am finding out who I am, and who God is wanting me to be. "Finding" is the key word. It's a journey.....A climb and I'M CLIMBING!!!

To be honest after Justin left me I didn't know who I was supposed to be anymore. I was so hurt that I lost myself. I allowed him to take that away from me, he thought he was mighty enough to take that part of me and destroy it as he did this family. He continues to try and ruin our happiness, day after day. But the difference if from then to now and after everything is I don't give a flying F@#$ He may have destroyed it but I am blessed with REBUILDING it! Pouring so much love and happiness in the home that it doesn't matter what we come by we can still find something to smile, and laugh about. If I could get through all of the shit from my past I am sure I can get through this and I am. I have been doing it all along just not realizing so. Of course there are going to be more mountains to climb, of course there will be times where shit will hit the fan but I say this with certainty......who cares, it will be ok. It is ok. Our life can be taken from us in a second, people can be ripped away from us in a second but in that second we still lived and have been given the gift to live and for that we embrace it. Embrace the beauty and embrace the ugly. Life is a gift, happiness is a choice, love is a blessing. God is forever, so make Him proud.

I gotta be honest though, this has felt like the worst, not just because of how everything went about but because it forced me to relive the past and question my being and remember where I was and how I got here and everytime I felt like I was standing on my feet I was allowing my husband to shove me down to the ground over and over and over and I felt like I was getting now where until one day I woke up. And God was standing there reaching out to me yelling gracefully "c'mon....what are you waiting for" You have it all, you have your children, your family, your friends, YOU HAVE LIFE....and most importantly YOU HAVE ME!!!!!!!!" "Why say you are searching for love and happiness when you are loved and happiness is within, grip it and feel it and honor it".

This has been brewing in my Saved Box for awhile now, finding the right words. I was talking with a friend about blogging, well actually a few and a few fellow bloggers, why do we blog, what's the point, it's so private, why share. So this is why for me anyways............ It's the TRUTH. Look around you and who is scared to say something honest because of how they might look, say ones life is falling apart and they feel so alone no one to reach out to well....this is a good way to know YOU are not alone. There is a reason why I have been given these experiences, and it's not to bottle it up and hide and be ashamed of it...I once was. I used to be so scared of what I lived through and why it's what happened....express it, reveal it, share it, show the good, the bad and the ugly. If I am great I'll let you know I'm great...If life is the craps well, hey it's the craps. Tomorrow will be better, heck the next 5 minutes will be better. Sometimes I question myself whether or not I've said to much but also it helps me. It's so therapeutic to just GET IT OUT! It's different than a journal, it stays here, in my home, in my drawer, in my circle. Blogging puts it out there, it helps me get rid of the icky feelings and welcome the freshness.

Just thought I would mention...so yeah, thank you again for following my blogs. For helping me, encouraging me, praying for me and my children. We're getting there :)....and it's super cool ;)

What's your miracle?

2009-03-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

A definition of a "Miracle":

An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God: “Miracles are spontaneous, they cannot be summoned, but come of themselves” (Katherine Anne Porter).

We have all different kinds of miracles. You have the BIG ones like giving birth and the little ones that normally aren't considered miracles like getting to the grocery store safely while driving on slippery roads however when you add all the little ones up they actually turn into ONE BIG miracle. I believe something such as overcoming a fear or a broken heart is one because our human flesh has the natural response to stay in a deadend zone but with God things become ever changing and beautiful.

I was so tired of being in a state of brokeness and now I am so thankful for it. I don't wish it to happen ever again but really I don't know who I would be today without it. I love what is becoming, what I'm discovering, learning, achieving physically, emotionally but most of all spiritually.

So I started making a mental list about all the big and little miracles I have been given in my life. Over the past 10 mths we were praying for a miracle,we were praying for life to become a bit easier and it wasn't until I stopped and thought about everything over the last 10mths have I realized we've been given great miracles.
I was given a gift of a cleaning lady, a family photo shoot, kids showing up on my doorstep to shovel for $20, babysitters on call all the time, an amazing school accomodating our busy schedule (seriously what school does that) I love Prince Philip!!!!! Christian councellors and a christian lawyer, friends and some new ones that are all connected somehow, accepting the apology of "the other woman", moms group, meals, gifts to help lessen the errands, awesome doctors that try and speed things up for the kids, a super dentist that gives deals, a health care nurse that checks in all the time, a car dealership that picks my van up free of charge and gives me a loaner whenever my van even needs an oil change, my friends, family and children, and all the sadness and heartache that I'm overcoming. Everything and everyone God has placed in my life has become a miracle to me.

And the biggest realization of all..............................
is that all these miracles add up to the BIG ONE
which is

LIFE!

So I challenge you to sit and reflect on all the little and big things in your life, happening around you and see how content with life you will become.........I know I am :)

A Miracle Part 2

A miracle within the hearts of these children. A special birthday treat for their daddy and a day to remember by each one of them. I am so thankful to have been able to catch this moment and freeze it for the children to remember.

~Forever~

2009-03-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

I have been asked few questions lately one of which was who did we use to be. So I thought why not make a memorial post of just that. We used to be happy, so very happy and I think that is something to be proud of and celebrate. I did love our marriage and I love what we created during our marriage and that's what I am taking with me. Our signature was Ben Harper's "Forever" Speaks the truth. Unfortunately our forever ended a little early and the one last gift he gave to me was to be able to spiritually move forward and find that forever again. ;) I had it once and oooh I'll have it again but BIGGER and BETTER!!

So here is a glimpse of what was Carissa and Justin Seitz!

Not talkin' 'bout a year

no not three or four

I don't want that kind of forever

in my life anymore
forever always seems

to be around when it begins

but forever never seems

to be around when it ends

so give me your forever

please your forever

not a day less will do

from you

People spend so much time

every single day

runnin' 'round all over town

givin' their forever away

but no not me

I won't let my forever roam

and now I hope I can find

my forever a home

so give me your forever

please your forever

not a day less will do

from you

Like a handless clock with numbers

an infinite of time

no not the forever found

only in the mind

forever always seems

to be around when things begin

but forever never seems

to be around when things end

so give me your forever

please your forever

not a day less will do
from you

Dearest Daughter

2009-03-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

My daughter Emmy, she is of absolute beauty. All my children are but Em is caring a heavy burden in her heart. I've often wondered what it would be like to be in her shoes. She's strong and mature, helpful and loving, yet sensitive and broken.

She pretends like she has the world figured out and to some degree she does. She's had to grow up so fast and it hasn't been fair. But she takes it. And as tough as it is for her to remember her role as being a 10 year old little girl it does get lost in the shuffle of a household of 3 little boys and a single mom.

She is facing such competition between her brothers and her father. I wish he could see just how precious this time is and try and understand what is aching in her heart. Instead it gets dismissed and she gets put back into her place. Standing there feeling more lost and unsure of who she is and who she is supposed to be. Before and after her dad left he put so much devastation in her world and didn't help teach her how to cope, she was just supposed to know that adults are adults and she just has to deal with it. But at 10 how can you. The preteen years where you look at your father like they are your everything, so much admiration. As every age is precious this age is fragile. They are coming into their own and it's so important to make sure we act as we teach for when they enter into the world in a more grown up manner our behaviour hopefully reflects their behaviour. Of course they will pave their own pathway and make there own choices but it's the roots, and firmly grounding those roots for something to think on and fall back on. We were on the road to planting those roots and then they were cut right off from underneath her feet. So I am trying to replant them and every monday, thursday and every second saturday they get cut back a little more. And we have to work that much harder at fixing it but at least it's a positive step.

I think the hardest part about being a parent is being unable to fix "everything". Especially a broken heart. When change is staring at you right in the face but is unwilling it makes being that single parent that much harder and there left is that broken heart.

What am I leaning on to help walk my daughter through this is constant reassurance. Love, faith, patience, perserverance, hope and believing. And knowing. Knowing that only we can bring ourselves the happiness our heart needs to thrive and live by God and God alone. To respect her parents but to follow what she knows is right (hopefully I can continue to overshadow the not so right especially right now) and to love the ability of being able to choose her way and honor it. To pray in times of distress and when she gets that icky feeling in her tummy, to pray in times of contentness and happiness. To trust and believe that even though her earthly father has let her down her heavenly father NEVER will and is right there beside her holding her hand and wiping her tears and smiling at her every step of her way.

I think of years and how many years are actually "left" to make a difference. I only have 2 summers before she's a teen....5.5 years before she will drive and 7 years of summers before she is either graduated or off to college. I hope she stays home for awhile but the point is, 10 years have already passed right by and doing damage control in only a couple years is somethin else.

If I could please ask for prayer for her heart. For her to feel loved and trusted and for her to trust and love herself. For her to lean on her heavenly father while her earthly father isn't emotionally there and for that dad to become the dad this little girl really needs. Amen!

It's Up...

2009-03-12T17:47:00.001-07:00

http://www.carissaseitz.blogspot.com

I'll still post on this site as well...hopefully I can keep up :)
Enjoy

Proverbs 4:23

2009-03-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

"Above all else, guard your heart,

for it is the wellspring of life."

This verse has brought so much light to my mind and has really made me think and think and think some more........

After reflecting over what's happened the past 9mths, I have come to such a state of contentness and peace and love. Instead of dwelling over the cards I've been dealt I've decided to play the hand I've been given to the best of my ability. I'm so happy, so excited and just ready. More ready than I have ever been. I have the rest of my life ahead of me the lives of 4 beautiful children. My actions need to reflect goodness and goodness is what they will learn and how they will expect to be treated and how they will be expected to treat others, I deserve no less and nor do they.

I'm not looking back, I'm moving forward. I've needed to take the past few weeks and really question myself and my plan for my family and I'm so thrilled I did. I have just really truly and graciously accepted this cross. If the Lord was standing in front of me now asking me what my next step is going to be, will I take this as a burden and fall or will I take it as a gift and stand. Well I have accepted it as a gift and I would not be the person I am today if none of this happened. I've found myself again and I've also been able to really enjoy life amidst all the chaos. I've started to read more, spend more quality time with my kids and my friends and family, I've started painting again (when there is time), cooking and enjoying some wine and writing and recently I was reminded of what it was like to dance again, Oh how I've missed the chacha, and I plan to do more of it!!!!! I have always wanted to dance in the rain, so since spring is approaching I'm going to practice and the first warm rain we have I'll be the "presumed crazy lady" dancing on the streets of Preston Ave ;)

As well I have started a new blog...it's not quite up yet but will be soon. It's to celebrate being a mom and to share the wonders of having 4 children and just us, our new life.

It will be http://www.carissaseitz.blogspot.com/

Hopefully I will have it up and running soon!!

Thank you again for reading and sharing this journey with me.

Blessings to you all,

Carissa

My Vacation...

2009-03-04T22:13:00.000-08:00

Ok so maybe at this point in my life taking a holiday outside of my home is a little much... however I was able to pack up my emotions and take a bit of a spiritual vacation. Just like any vacation it had it's moments, more towards the end...a few bumps here and there but for the most part it was lovely.

I was able to finally finish reading The Shack. I recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet. But a few key things, Pray before you read it and while you read it. It is a FICTIONAL novel and it can confuse or distort somethings. However I found it helped me reflect on love, life, and forgiveness (the biggest part in the book for me I'd say). Especially with what's been going on in my life. But like any book that has anything to do about the goodness and grace of God, one has to be careful as to not idolize the book, follow the readings as if it's the only truth because....well.....there is only one book for that. So yeah, some things were waaayyy out there and somethings were so graciously written. An interesting read if anything.... I am interested in hearing from anyone else that has read it and what your opinion is.

Another sweet discovery was coming across Matthew 6:26-27 ...with my friend Kristin.

".......Look at the birds! They don't worry about what to eat-they don't need to sow or reap or store up food - for your heavenly father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to Him than they are. Will all your worries add a single moment to your life?"

A reflection I"m going to end with..... :)

This Cross

2009-02-16T22:58:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had someone stand in front of you and the words you were hearing come from their mouth was like someone standing there with a knife just cutting you over and over.

Once again the week of "interest" has diminished....the week of "respect" is gone. Out the window. I try to move forward and bring happiness into my life and home and immediately he tries to take that away. Using his own guilt to manipulate the situation to concoct some schema to turn the tables and try and put the blame where it doesn't belong.

Tonight both kids finally caught him in the act of lying and called him on it. But supposedly I am pitting them against him. If only we could transform outselves into little flies on the walls. I would offer him the first chance to be on ours. Because I love my kids and because I want to protect my kids I shelter a lot of what's happened from them. I don't want them to know everything, nor should they, they are too little. They know minor details and even that I feel horrible for but in no way am I out to make him look bad in front of these children. He does a perfectly fine job doing that himself. When I try and cover his rear I am now filling the shoes of the liar. Don't worry daddy loves you so much and he misses you so much... I get "ya right if he loved us he would be here, if he missed us he would be here, if he loved our family he would be with you and he would love you and us like he used to. " In most situations it's like the husband left the wife. In this case the husband left the wife and the family. I know he loves these kids however the way he shows he loves and cares is just nonexistent. The true interest is nothing. Yet it's my fault...all my fault.

WHY....why do I let this bother me so friggin much? Well that's where I have a huge fault. I care, I care about what other peoples perception is of me. I don't like to be called a liar or a manipulator or and I feel the need to clear any misconception up asap. I guess that's where I've become just way too open and honest. I hate secrets....I hate lies. I will explain myself till I"m blue in the face to fix misunderstandings. I hate that he calls me a liar, that he says such mean things about me because that's not who I am. And I feel after 8 mths of this and being with him for 7 years that if anything I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

I keep trying to tell myself (and I'm going to reread this sentence over and over until I get it tonight)... He walked out on a beautiful marriage, wife and 4 children, one in which he doesn't know very well. I have my children, I am left with my family...my sweet kids and he can't take our love away from us. If it's not good enough for him and he thinks this lifestyle is the way to be then so be it. She can have him....but hopefully leave us alone!!!!.....and soon!

Again I'm trying to accept this cross and bear it, I truly am but every day it takes so much effort to not just throw in the towel. It's a true test of faith.

The Name Meme

2009-02-15T21:25:00.000-08:00

1.YOUR REAL NAME: Carissa Lyn (McNaught) Seitz

2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle names) Rose Dean

3.NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad) Ronald Elwood

4.STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name) Seica

5.DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Pink Elephant

6.SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born) Lyn Saskatoon

7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add “THE” to the beginning)The Blue Shirley Temple

8.FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name) Case

9.STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie) Mint Chip Digestive

10 ROCK STAR NAME (pet’s name and street where you live) Stanley Preston

11. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on) Sally Airport (??) Shailey Guelph

12.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle) Carizzle

13.YOUR IRAQI.. NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name) Ailysaitz

14.YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets) Black Sadie

15. STRIPPER NAME: (name of favorite perfume and candy)MK Romantic Skittles

2009-02-13T22:35:00.000-08:00

The river was high and I was blind

but

Jesus is helping me see and making me feel like I can walk on water

:)

I'm not perfect nor will I pretend to be, however I am determined and motivated. My mom said something to me the other day that really struck a chord.....life is just passing us by. It is....quickly. Before I know it my kids will be all grown up and moved out and I don't want to look back and see how we spent all our time grieving over the loss of some man/father that has no feelings towards us anyways. So why should we. Does it still hurt, yes, it doesn't go away real fast however one learns to cope better and heal. I want to be happy and sha re that happiness, I want to be loved and love and I want to exist. I have learned happiness does not come from another man, I have become very content with my own time and life and knowing that I can manage perfectly fine on my own with 4 children. However it would be lovely to share life with another....one day. For now I know that I am ready. I am ready to move on and take the steps to finally put an end to this madness. My Valentine's gift to myself. I feel so sure and strong as to what I need and want to do. As long as I am I am sure my kids will soon follow. As I believe it's time to let our heavenly father have full control at being the parent, the ultimate provider. More of me letting go of any control over the situation I thought I had and realize I have none. And it's a good feeling to know that I don't and to be honest I'm so excited. The past few days I feel so ready and excited, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. And ya....... it's a woohoo moment :)

Heaven's Mailbox

2009-02-11T22:16:00.000-08:00

Awhile ago I started a little thing with my kids to help them feel comfortable with their feelings. They have been struggling with their beliefs in God and who and what is this person we call God. Doesn't seem like he loves us too much or he'd make our daddy come home. Breaks my heart. I tell them, it's not because God is making daddy do this, it's a choice daddy has made and only he can listen to God and change it. So we started writing down our prayers on papers and we slip them into a decorated shoebox we call....."Heaven's Mailbox". In hopes that if we took the feelings from our heart and placed them on paper and mailed them to heaven maybe just maybe one will get answered. Please help me send these prayers up to the heaven's for them. If anything....a little happiness.

Carter..."Dear God, I am sad and I am mad..Amen"
Emily...."Dear God, please help me to get along with my brother. Please help keep us safe during the day and night. Please help my daddy come back home, we miss him and love him. Give him more baby steps toward us. Amen...Emily"
Cohen...."Cohen miss daddy, where daddy go"

I wish I could answer these prayers for them. To stop the hurt. It tears me up inside to hear my kids say they don't feel like they are loved. They talk about how they miss the good days, the days their daddy was home and how sad they are that he isn't here anymore. How much we all miss the good times. But those times are gone and according to Justin, they are gone forever. Too bad, it would have made a wonderful story of a man finding his way back home....the prodigal husband, the human being. But it's not like that. Everyday I have to look at my kids, see their hurt and try not to cry and tell them don't worry everything will be ok, we are still a family and mommy will do her best always. But as hard as they try....it's not good enough.

Kids do not deserve this. Divorce is such a selfish selfish act. I dont' care what the circumstance, marriage should be of great importance, it's a committment, it's a privilege, a reminder that we are to reflect God's love to the other human being...remind them everyday by acting the way God would act. In love! But nope, very seldom is it like that. Which is Horsedung if you ask me. Who suffers, the one left broken hearted and the children. All a child wants is for happy parents, loving parents and a good life. Sure everyone is going to have their own type of pain however as parents we shouldn't go about and deliberately create it. We are supposed to protect them not expose them. Teach them strength, courage, determination, love, compassion, , and committment
How can you teach them strength when you are weak, courage when you're a coward, determination when you give up, love when you hate, compassion when you don't feel, and committment............ when you divorce.

#19

2009-02-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

Oh I have to clarify.....#19....I don't want to date the C95 Bachelor....he's is my cousin...that is gross. I want to date the TV bachelor haha, the cute single dad, yum. I am crazily addicted to that Monday night show. I hate missing a single second of the episodes :)

Hmmmm'ing

2009-02-06T21:31:00.000-08:00

I really should be sleeping right now but I had a coffee thinking I was going to be up all night again with Brady....he's sleeping :)...and I'm on a caffeine high.

My kids have been so sick lately. For over a week my 3 boys were sick at the same time, then Carter got better and Cohen got worse, then Cohen got better and Brady got worse and Brady has stayed sick. I finally took him into the Ped's ER and found out, the little guy does not have asthma he has Bronchopulminary Dysplaysia due to his immature lungs at birth. He also has bronchiolitis and croup both of which are viral and can't be treated with antibiotics. So lots and lots of love and cuddles and hopefully soon...we'll start seeing some improvement so he can have a break. However with BPD he's likely to get sick quite often. We'll be meeting with a pediatrician and I'm looking at a homeopath and naturopath doctor as well. Cohen has had back to back ear infections so he'll also be seeing a specialist to see if he needs tubes in his ears. I am hoping he gets them sooner than later so that this chronic ear infection thing stops and he can also have some rest.

It's made for a very exhausting, emotional rollercoaster month. I have been so tired but I won't begin to complain as I've stayed healthy and I feel so bad for my kids. The healthy ones get less attention because the sick ones just need so much and being one it's hard to dish out equal mommy time. So I look forward to everyone getting healthier so we can get back on track and have some fun and get out of this house................hopefully *fingers crossed*!!!!!!!!!

The past few days, things have started to turn around. I have been able to have Justin around the house for a little extra help. I'm not sure what happened but for the first time in 8 mths I could see a sincere interest in being there for our children. It's a glimpse of the man that he once was. I am afraid of getting my hopes up that this is going to last but for my kids I want them to experience it while it is existing. As hard as it is for me to have my husband around (because of that... he is still my husband....... yet he won't be for much longer:( ) it's what my kids need.

I have been contemplating whether or not to take down the blog...is it the right thing or the wrong thing to do, to publicly journal the truths of my life. And then I realized that that's just it. It's my life, I"m not out to bash Justin whatsoever, just to share what is going on with me and my heart and my family and Justin has played a huge role in the current situation. I'm not out to try and destroy him, I dont' want to make him out to be a horrible man. He's human, a man who has made mistakes. I am not perfect and I have made some terrible choices in my life as well. I wouldn't blog about this stuff if I didn't care so much and love so deeply. I have struggled to find ways to cope with all of this when I"m not in therapy and when my kids go to bed and I"m alone thinking...thinking...thinking.. And blogging has helped so much, to get it out, to make it feel less real, to have the support and prayer from my readers and to just reflect and to learn to be comfortable with the place I am in. That's what this blog is for. I am sorry if ever I offend anyone by sharing what is going on or that I'm doing it for some kind of revenge. Not at all. To be honest I hope that this good co-parenting relationship Justin and I have had the past few days will continue and that I will be able to share all the good things that can come of that. He is a man I loved and still love and he has needed just as much if not more prayer than me. Sometimes I might seem harsh or speak negative about what's going on with him but I wanted to just make it clear that I'm not out to "ruin" anyone. Just trying to find my way............... :)

On that note...my baby is awake.
I will be back as I'm going to try and do this 25 Random Things that everyone is doing. ....unless the caffeine high dies down!!!!

25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-05T23:07:00.000-08:00

A Facebook thing:

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you

1. I'm a night owl. I wish I could go to sleep early and wake up early and enjoy it but I don't. I wish I slept, but I don't.

2. I have to eat my munchies in three different parts. First comes the salty snack, then the chocolate and then the gummies. It almost always has to be in that order. I can't just eat something salty and then not eat chocolate or gummies....it will literally stress me out.

3. I miss BC and wish I still lived there. I love Saskatoon but it has always brought our family bad luck. I especially miss Naramata, I love it there and one day I hope to move back.

4. I talk to God all day. Every thought I have is a prayer, it's just become so natural over the last few years. I love this spiritual journey I'm on yet it frustrates me at the same time.

5. I'm not afraid to share or talk about anything pertaining to my life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a more private person but it just doesn't seem to work out that way.

6. I used to hate reading, now I love it. I'm a huge Sophie Kinsella fan. The Shopaholic series made me laugh out loud. I am painfully waiting for another book of hers to hit the shelves.

7. I hate the word Divorce, I hate everything about divorce. It disturbs me how people give up on their marriage vows so quickly these days. Even though I am in the process of getting a divorce I hate every single second of it and wish it would have never come to this and wish that I could just stay married forever, not just because I hate divorce but also because I've never loved anyone else so much in my life.

8. I keep everything the kids do at school....even newsletters.

9. I have finally broken my bad habit of watching As The World Turns. If I was out and about and the show was about to start I would drop everything to return home and watch it. I have been clean and sober of consistent soap watching for almost a year now.

10. I am extremely overprotective when it comes to my kids. I love having them close by at all times. I wish I could homeschool them so they didn't have to leave for 6.5 hrs a day. Yet I don't think I'm smart enough to educate my children properly.

11. I love everything about being a mom. I truly do. I love the trials and triumphs, the tears and smiles, the laughter and discipline. I have the greatest kids in the world!!

12. I eventually want to have a career as a councellor. But not until all my children are in school full time and well....after I sort out my own troubles.

13. I am extremely fearful of rejection, even from strangers. I have always felt like I was never good enough and I feel like I constantly let my family down.

14. When i get looked at the wrong way or talked to in an annoyed tone I instantly want to cry.

15. I am scared of dying. I am scared of leaving my children behind. I'm scared of my kids dying and any other family member. I haven't gotten over the death of my grandpa. I don't like the feeling of grieving over the loss of a loved one. I wish people didn't have to die.

16. I love Will Smith, he's like my chocolate fantasy, when I feel sad I will put in one of his movies. He's like my prozac......as well as Ryan Gosling in The Notebook!

17. I love kit kat chocolate bars.

18. I could drink wine ALL day long but I don't.

19. I want to date the bachelor. He's so dreamy. I think once my divorce is final I should be the next C95 bachelorette, I think I need help screening future dates.

20. I love grocery shopping. I never go with a list I like making it up as I go along. It is the place I like to go to for fun. I have trouble keeping my trips short, I could easily spend a couple hours in a Sobeye's or any grocery store for that matter. I love browsing, looking at new products and finding cool things to make for snacks and dinner. I love finding things to cook for my family.

21. I don't like to drive, I love car rides and being the passenger but I hate driving the car myself.

22. My favorite flower is a bluebell. One of the best gifts I ever got was when my Grandma went to Germany and bluebells were in season and she picked some and pressed then and brought them back to me as a souvenier.

23. I think the nintendo wii is one of the coolest things ever invented.

24. I have to make my bed. I wont' go to bed at night until my bed is made, even if I have to make it quick just to unmake it and sleep in it. Weird I know!

25. I love the smell of new shoes, however I rarely buy them

i'm trying..............

2009-01-24T14:59:00.000-08:00

to just be!

I wish it were easy. Oh how I pray everyday for the strength, the peace, the guidance, comfort and love and the will to just let it all go and trust in Him, the only One that can and will and do.

I have been trying to just be. To be ok with where I am. To know that I am loved to know that I am accepted and respected...by my children, by friends, by family, and by the Lord. What I am trying to understand is Why and How does it hurt so much to know is how I let one man, one Justin Seitz bother me so much. I feel like after what he has done and what he continues to do I should not even want his name to cross my mind but it crosses it and I feel my heart break each time.

It all still seems so surreal, like this is all just a bad dream. A dream I want to wake up from and not ever go back to. But in reality it's when I dream that I have a break from it all. When I wake up it's still there. I was searching for answers, truths and now that I have them in one way it's been so helpful, a step forward that I was able to take in the healing process but also a step back with more questions of why and how. How could a man I loved so much and trusted with my everything, that was my best friend, how could he trick me so easily. How can he continue to lie and treat me with such distaste and hatred. How can he forget his children the way he does. How can he talk about me like I'm some kind of troll, when he said he loved me so much and we were so happy, why wouldn't he be proud of that and honor that and not walk around talking trash. How? Why? To justify his behaviour, to feed his narcissism, to make himself feel like he's doing right. To trick more women, does he get a kick out of hurting others, is it a game, is it fun to make someone feel like they are nothing. After he ended things with the last woman I was really hoping that that would be it, but nope. Who knows how many others there have been but what I do know is that there is one. One woman. I don't know if what I did was right but impulsively I caved. When I heard who she was I emailed this woman thinking maybe if I approach her in a way of concern (which I am) that hearing from another woman would open her eyes and she would start to see Justin for who he is. But nope....I think instead it pushed them closer together. Then I realized I can't reach her, no one but God can redirect this situation. No email in the world. See when there is another woman in Justin's life he can't focus on anything but that. It doesn't matter that he has 4 children or what those children are doing or feeling. It makes me sad, sad for them, angry and frustrated that I just have to sit and be quiet. I have tried to dish out some sarcasm, finally trying to reach him at one point because he seems to listen to sarcasm but even that didn't matter. So now I say nothing. I do nothing.

I want so much for all of this to go away. I want to be over this and to move on and to give my kids my utmost happiness and enjoyment and not have this crap in the back of my mind all the time. I hate moments like this where I feel completely overwhelmed with thought he's out there thinking he's got it all, when really all he has is job and this woman. When in all reality and what I need to focus more on is that that's nothing. Jobs come and go and the flavor of the week always changes. What I've come to realize even when my kids are sick and we're running around to appointment after appointment, struggling with dishing out medicines or discipline, sleepless nights, diaper change after diaper change, attitudes, tears, sibling fights, toys to pick up, up early, up late, more messes to clean up, laundry piling these are joys...things I GET TO DO!!!!! And I am loving every second of it even when I'm stressed to the max because I am here....I am here everyday and I have been given the gift and the chance to have my children all to myself. I wouldn't change places with Justin in a heartbeat. Aside from those little things, I get so many I love you's that I can't keep track, smile after smile, hugs, kisses, stories, playtime, pictures, cuddles in movies, more hugs, I get to teach them right from wrong, help them be somebody, kiss their booboo's, wipe their tears, brush their teeth and their hair, buy them treats and toys and watch them light up, eat dinner with them, pray with them, see their excitement, meet their friends, have snacks with them, tend to their every need, nurse them back to health, experience their everythings and that is the biggest blessing out of this whole mess. I get to be a mommy and I get to be loved every second of every day by these precious little people. They make me excited for where I need to be a minute from now. I want these thoughts to be my every thought, nomore of this foolish foolish ungreatful person. No more trying to convince him of what he's missing out on because he doesn't give a hoot anyways with every breath and every once of love I waste on that man, is a breath I just wasted for myself and my kids. Time to put it back where it belongs, give my kids that little extra bit of me!!!

I started writing this post feeling low and now as I finish off I'm realizing just what I need to be thinking about at this very moment. To my readers, thank you. Thank you for allowing this to be a safe place for me to vent and share especially when I have these moments of highs and lows. Hopefully my stories and my feelings will be of more happy joyful things and no more sadness. Still my goal for 2009.....good thing it's only January. I have a lot of time to make sure this year rocks!!!
Blessings..... ;0)

Well...Well...

2009-01-12T21:40:00.000-08:00

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
- Abraham Lincoln

I think that quote sums up exactly how I feel.

Happy New Year!!

2008-12-31T22:24:00.000-08:00

Wow....2009!!

To start the New Year off.....I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:)
I miss blogging. To be honest it's very therepeutic for me. Even if no one reads it. I'm not here to bash anyone (even though sometimes it might come across that way...or be a whiner or cry baby...I"m here to be real, and open and be free in thought. There is a lot going on in my life, a lot of heart ache yet and yet a lot of great things are also happening. Maybe expressing things in blogger world will help me not feel so alone at times.

Tonight was blessed and broken all at the same time.
Blessed being...I got to ring in the new year the best way possible. My 4 little ones and me, pizza, munchies, icecream, Wall-e, skip bo and the countdown and prayer. Cohen didn't last, he went to sleep long before the countdown, Brady....well Brady never sleeps so he's always in party mode. Carter and Emily, they couldn't believe I let them stay up to midnight. Hillariously trying to understand how it could possible be "next year". *(Brady is sitting beside me in bed blowing spit bubbles at me...now I remember how difficult blogging can be at times :))* I am excited to see what new cute little things my children will share with me this new year.

As for brokeness...that is something I'm working very hard to overcome. This chain of events with Justin has been the hardest thing I think I've ever had to go through. It should be easy to let go of someone who is so hurtful and cruel day after day however as easy as it is to think so it's harder to do so. Lately his focus has been off of the kids completely. He is there for his 2 hour visit and that's about it. The kids are suffering once again. After his last relationship ended he was starting to do right by his kids making them somewhat a priority...a work in progress and it was nice to see, but now that there is someone new he could care less about hurting the family around him. New Years was always big for us. We usually spent it with our friend Eric and Kristin and always with our children playing games, having tons of fun and prayin in the new year. Something Justin held dear, so this time it was hard knowing he was out partying and sharing that midnight kiss with someone else missing out on his kids enjoyment. This is what I'm working on trying to get over. I've never wanted my family torn apart and that's a stab wound that is not healing as fast as I would like but what can I do but leave all of this in the Lord's hands and know we'll be taken care of either way. It's hard dealing with his selfishness day in and day out, hearing over and over again how he faked being happy (which I truly don't buy but doesn't make it any easier to hear) and I just have to start saying to myself, he doesn't deserve us. I have finally figured out the real reason why he left us and it's not that he didn't love me anymore it's that he couldn't handle keeping it together back in saskatoon...too much distraction, he missed being a bachelor and having a life of no responsibility, and well with our family because of it's size it's busy and he just couldn't take it anymore. If that wasn't the case he would be here helping as much as possible, bring his baby up knowing who his daddy is but he isn't. He's turning out to be nothing but a stranger to us all.

So my new years resolution is to move forward, continue letting go and letting God. To work on finding forgiveness and happiness especially in the lonely times. To be the best mom I can possibly be. To have less weak moments and continue on the path of healing. I know it won't be easy and I have to be still and patient knowing all will come in due time but I'm willing to do the work and blog my way through it, the good the bad and the ugly. Laughter and tears I will make it my everything to be free from all of this and give my children nothing but the best!!

2008-11-11T20:33:00.000-08:00

Wow, where does the time go. Sometimes signing into blogger depresses me a bit because 1) I haven't had much time to write 2) I used to write such happy wonderful things about my family and since Justin's been gone some things are just too hard to write about 3) I see the lilypie clocks on the sidebar and realize how big my kids are getting and how fast the baby is growing. Which I mean indeed are all good things but ughhh seriously time is just going by a little too fast.

We have had a very very busy few weeks. Proof of that would be my laundry that is piled sky high...literally!! I did take a break for a day and had a cleaner come in however she provided more entertainment than anything. We've had some illnesses run through the house and at one point all 4 of my sweeties were sick. Soon after that my younger two babies were diagnosed with Asthma. All my boys are on puffers now. Brady... well we're hoping it's asthma and that the meds help clear up his symptoms because the doctors other option is bronchopulmonary dysplesia...yeah we don't want that. Asthma isn't great but I would choose that than the other.

Halloween was a ton of fun. We have sooo much candy (love it!!)...especially since I can't run out for midnight snack runs. This weekend I finally got to get out and have a little fun, not entirely on my own as I was accompanied by a very cute little man as my date.......he did cry ALOT so we had to cut the evening a little short but it was still so nice. It was just so cool to finally go out and hang out with my lovely sister and just have fun. I can't wait to do it again on Thursday....yeah BSB FOR LIFE!!!!!!

Aside from being physically busy it's been let's just say emotionally busy as well. I can't even go into explaining the ridiculousness the past few weeks. All I can say is this. I've had it with people who are so extremely selfish and who view the sacrament of marriage as a spoof. Seldom honor the Lord, vows are taken as a joke, people are taken for granted and others lives are just of no importance. It's ME ME ME world and it just disgusts me. However on the flip side I have realized that I need to just step back and focus on God a lot more. Matthew 14: Peter's Prayer is well...exactly how I've felt. I have been Peter looking around focusing on the storm happening around me instead of looking right in front of me and taking Jesus' hand and walking on the water with Him. I'm trying and it's a work in progress to be focused and actually as soon as I was feeling super focused... pow bam bang..... all of a sudden a person from my past just pops up completely unexpected. TOTALLY in a state of shock still. However feelings of fear and worry are slowly turning into feelings of peace and closure. Once I actually process what has happened this past week I will make a new posting but as for now.....I gotta look straight ahead.

Here are some timbits of what's happening for my little ones.

Brady is now 5mths...AHH. Yes 5 mths. I still consider him well 4 mths and well he is a baby baby and taking his sweet time which I just love. He's so in love with his toes, his feeties are always slobbery. He has started making strange and is still refusing the bottle. He's so happy and cuddly. His little asthma puffer is so tiny and I get choked up everytime I give it to him. :(

Cohen is well silly as always. He is talking more and more and coming up with words I didn't even know I could say ;) He is still so passionate about sports and well....he lives and breaths it. I have a heck of a time getting on his winter coat because he would rather wear the jacket he calls the basketball jacket even though there are no balls on it. The other day we were at playland having lunch and he decided to flash everyone. Walked in pulled down his pants lifted up his shirt and showed everyone his lovely diaper, then giggled and ran off to play.

Carter is becoming quite the little scholar. His reading and writing are coming along so nicely. He's been hurting a lot lately however the way he expresses himself is amazing. He's really starting to help me a lot more around the home which is nice for me and for Emily. His little best friend Olivia has been helping him and spending a lot of time with him which I'm so grateful for. They are just soooo cute together and just click, they don't have to fight about what to play and just get along always. He loves having a best friend again.

Emily....oh my sweet girl. She is turning 10. DOUBLE DIGITS. Oy. Thursday I am taking her to her first real concert and then Saturday she is having a pool party with her friends and Monday for her actual day we'll have some family time with cake and good food and quality time. She has been just absolutely broken these past 5mths and to see such a little girl deal with sooo much pain is just unbearable. But she still amidst her own tragedy finds time to help me out and spend time with her brothers and still just be a kid. Which is why I am excited to buy her more dolly's and pet shop and polly pockets and barbies for birthdays' and Christmas. Preserve it as long as possible.

Well that's it for me. I've been just pooped lately and it's time to go and get some rest especially before Brady wakes up for his feeding.

Thank you for the support and prayers today and everyday and may God bless every minute from this moment forward.

Even though I don't write much I love you all who stick with me and patiently wait for my next post.

A little bit about us.....

2008-10-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

I have to say I've had my moments of weakness and strength but my pure joy comes from the 4 sweetest little people I know.

Emily
My beauty. She is the kindest most thoughtful little girl I've ever met. She has just been the best helper. For a sister to be kind to her brothers is pretty tough most days but she's doing pretty good. It's so sweet to see Carter ask her questions about school and friends, Cohen asks for hugs and kisses and Brady well he just loves her cuddles. And I love her heart. She knows when I'm happy or sad and I feel so bad at times when she can see the hurt in my eyes and as hard as I try to hide it she sees right through me. So she'll help clean up the kitchen or make me a card or sing songs with the babies and tell me funny stories...anything to brighten up the day.
School is good, she is making such cute little friends. I am so happy with their play time. She finally gets to play house or barbies or anything that a 9 year old girl should be playing.

Carter
My super learner. A month ago he could barely read or write. Now he sits down with a paper and pen and it just flows. Some words like "have to" for instance come out as hafto. But it's perfect. He's just my cuddle bug lately. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. He's been struggling more so emotionally lately but on the flip side he just knows how to joke around and make us all laugh. He's loving school. finally being able to stay ALL day is just the best thing in the world to him. His favorite thing is homework, loves loves the homework. For now anyways. I sure hope he still loves it in grade 8. He starts the "puppet troupe" next Tuesday which he is really looking forward to. It's learning how to work puppets and doing little skits and games. For him to be a part of something finally is just the world to him.

Cohen
Oh what to say about Cohen. Cohen is Cohen. He is like a mirror image personality wise of my Granpa Corky. His laughter lives on in my little man. He always has a smile, always giggles and is ALWAYS getting into something. He is so affectionate yet rough. One minute you get a kiss the next minute you get a pankin. I have to include theee funniest picture of all. I have two actually. I have one of him wearing his tool time goggles and the other well lets just say the pictures speaks for itself.

My Boo,
Brady.
Sweet sweet little baby. He's such a little dose of honey. I think because he is my last baby I have babyed him a ltitle too much. He has a bit of separation anxiety, ok....a lot!!. I move away from him too quick and he cries. He could live in his cuddlywrap if I didn't have to breastfeed him a hundred times a day. I should actually count just how much he does feed. but I like it, these days doesn't last forever so I'm trying to embrace them while I have them. He is 4mths now and the past 4 mths have just gone by so fast that usually I go by his corrected age at 11 wks instead of 16 wks. He is more like an 11wk old baby which is nice. I just love that he's taking his time and not rushing too much. He giggles now and coo's all the time. I love it.

Right O

2008-09-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my Grandpa went home to the heavens. I am really not too sure as to what to say but that I miss him so much. I was hoping that writing my thoughts would make me feel better but they don't. I feel sad and mad and at the end of my rope. I don't want to lose anymore important people in my life. First my husband and my marriage and now my dear grandpa.

He was a wonderful man. Truly, he had no regrets nor should he. He lived an amazing 79 years and a loving 58 with my grandma. (Bless her heart). All he did was laugh. Literally, he laughed at everything, even simply saying hello on the phone made him chuckle. Hugs and kisses we were never short of and time with him was quality time. The memories I have will be held precious in my heart for always.

I just hope my grandma will be ok. She keeps saying to me well dear now I am in the same boat as you but without 4 children. But at least she had a man that loved her dearly and that nothing in their life except death could tear them apart. And it really didn't tear them apart just distanced them for the time being.

Grandpa we love you and you will be forever loved...... and he would say Right O.

Psalm 89:2

2008-09-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

"Your love and kindness are forever; your truth is as enduring as the heavens."

I have realized more lately than ever that
happiness is as happiness does and all I truly need to feel complete is God, my children and my family and friends. And I do, more and more every day I feel content with where I am heading.
Really the only man I can count on is the Big Guy up high in the sky and just as scripture says His love and kindness are forever.... :0))

I'm holdin my own
I know my name
and I'm goin my own way........and feel blessed for every minute of it!

2 Samuel 22:2,3

2008-09-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

And he said: "The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; the God of my strength, in whom I will trust."

I have been doing a lot of thinking and healing and I think one of the hardest things to come out of this situation is my lack of trust. I can honestly say that I've been consumed by distrust in so many ways with my friendships and my marriage and God and it's finally come to a head. I have often wondered even what I could have done differently during my marriage and it all boils down to trust. With Justin having left me 4 times previous to this I think it was always in the back of my mind that it was destined to happen again and a lot of times I would test it to see if it were true and well it happened. Sometimes I wonder if my focus on that particular worry somehow brought it to happen. However I know that isn't the only reason all this happened and I"m not trying to make excuses for Justin's actions I am just trying to discover and fix any flaws I had and have. And that's a big one that stands out. So now that I recognize it now what....well every time I feel like I'm worrying or thinking too much into the future I remind myself to snap out of it. when I sit and ponder and ask God why and what's going to happen and will we be alright I am reminded that my trust has to be in the Lord and I am truly taken care of. Even with issues surrounding my husband and my divorce, I have to have trust now that God will take care of our situation. I might not be able to trust anything my husband has to say right now or does but I have to trust that God Himself will be the one to guide us and our desicionmaking. And just leave it in His hands. As hard as it is, practicing every day is helping. It is helping me to also trust others around me and new friendships and new situations but to be more centered and not dwell in what could happen but what is actually happening in the here and now.

Ok I think I've rambled enough and really I should be sleeping but I do have to say one last thing... I need to extend my thanks to everyone who has been reading and supporting and praying and being there every step of the way with me and my family. The darkness is slowly going away and we're seeing more light in our life every day. And hopefully I'll get another chance soon to sit and reflect until then.....Blessings from my heart to yours xo

2008-08-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

As I sit here reflecting on the past few years of my life so many feelings rush through me, love, happiness, contentment, joy, satisfaction, trust, sadness, heartache, heartbreak, hurt, anger, distrust, numbness, emptiness, and loneliness. I have missed blogging so much and to be honest I didn’t know how to write anything. Wondering if it was right or wrong to do so. Wondering how I would feeling seeing the truth written down. But I have had to face reality whether I like it or not and I’ve had to leave my place of comfort.
What I thought was my destiny and my forever has turned out to be anything but. I married Justin 3 years ago and yes we had our ups and downs but we were working. We made it worked, we fought less, we had fun, we loved eachother and we loved and do love our children and were blessed with two more babies over the years. Justin finally won his dream job and was able to work from home which brought us back to Saskatoon just in time to greet a new baby into this world. Who would have thought that such a beautiful time in ones life could turn into an absolute nightmare.
May 31st the anniversary of our first date started off alright and ended with me crying listening to my husband tell me he doesn’t think I love him and bringing up past issues that I thought were forgiven and put behind us. Since I am being honest here goes those instances....4 years ago Justin left me, it was a nasty break up and I was never wanting anything to do with him and him with me. I was broken and emotionally torn and turned to anyone for comfort. His best friend would come by all the time to check on us and in that time of weakness I began a relationship with him. Truthfully not intending revenge but only seeking the comfort and love that I was hoping for. No it didn’t last and anything out of rebound isn’t destined. Totally to my surprise Justin and I got back together months later and we were great. We were able to build a new life together and start fresh. Things started to slide again as we moved to BC. With all the stresses in our life out there and with his family I was rethinking our marriage. So I went to a halloween party and a man who took interest in what I had to say for once made a pass at me, a kiss, and I let it happen. I instantly felt a rush of guilt ran our of the party and went home. Feeling that guilt I confessed this kiss to my husband the next day and as much as it hurt him he soon forgave me and we were able to move past our troubles. After we cut contact off with his abusive brother we were able to have stability and friendship again and love. We had family time and fun and to be honest life was quite content, not perfect but content. Some things bothered me more than others, I would smell smoke on him and he would lie about it and he was smoking tons of dope and it was getting inbetween us. But we still found time for love and happiness.

So back to May 31st, there I was crying and begging and pleading with him telling him how much I do love him and all he could do was throw the past in my face as if it was yesterday. He still held me that night and woke up and hugged me the next morning. All weekend I was having contractions and felt like it was the beginning of labour but I was scared and didn’t want to have an early baby so I tried ignoring the signs. But Sunday night I couldn’t ignore it anymore. All of a sudden Justin tells me that he’s never loved me and that he moved us back to leave me and that he has faked our marriage and our relationship for the past 7 years. I couldn’t even say a word. I left the house and stayed at my parents for the night. The contractions worsened and I knew this baby wasn’t going to hold on any longer. I wanted to go to the doctor but Justin was insistent on taking Cohen to the park so my mom took me to the doctor. My regular obgyn was off and I saw one of her partners. He said I was going into premature labour and I had to have my stitch removed. He tried pulling it out of my cervix in the exam room and only succeeded at pulling out a quarter of it. So he sent me up to the hospital to have the rest removed and see where that took me. The contractions continued and was full on in my back so they sent me right into the OR for my c-section. My husband was there by my side but emotionally gone. No I love you’s or nothing. After I gave birth the doctors let me hold him for half a second and took Brady down to NICU. Due to weak lungs he had to be on oxygen and soon after intubated. Because of the c-section I had to stay in the hospital for the first part of my recovery. I felt so alone. A husband not wanting me, my baby in NICU and my children at home. I can’t even describe to you the brokeness I felt. My husband started turning into someone I didn’t recognize anymore. My children didn’t recognize him either and it started to scare them. They would come to the hospital and be so upset and they would leave and it would just tear me in two knowing they were so sad.
Justin’s behaviour became more irrational and erratic and as the days went on Justin became more lost. The day after I got out of the hospital my husband left me. He was planning to leave after helping me recover but due to his behaviour my father asked him to step out for only a few days to have some breathing room but Justin said no he’d be gone for good. And that was that. He became an invisible father and took no thought in how this would affect the children. Instead thinking only of himself he began to break the kids hearts in only a way an emotionless man could. Telling them things no child should ever hear. Going on and on about wanting a divorce and breaking my heart over and over and throwing things in my face constantly not caring that I was separated from my newborn baby and recovering from surgery.
Now it makes sense. Without getting into every little detail about what has happened and what he did the bottom line is the man I thought was a family man a devoted father and husband was and is nothing but heartless and a coward. Two days before I got out of the hospital he started contacting an old girlfriend, a nobody he dated shortly after highschool. He said he’s always loved her and he mustered up the nerve to tell her so the day before we separated (the day I got out of the hospital). His act of adultery couldn’t have happened at worse time as this. To say he’s in love with this woman he’s rarely spoken of. All I can think of is how lucky she is to win a man who left his wife during childbirth, abandoned his brand new premature baby and three other beautiful children. A man not knowing what true love is and what true happiness is and not realizing he had it all and left it all for what. His family also abandoned us. A family I loved and hoped would be there for my children to put aside marital issues and just focus on the children but they couldn’t and chose to let go and lost 4 sweetest little people doing so.
Since this has been so hard on the kids and after many weeks of intense councelling a decision was decided on. A tough decision but a much needed one. We’ve since cut off contact with Justin. The children couldn’t handle it anymore. After his effortless visits and heartless phone calls the kids would hide under their beds, wear his clothing, fight and cry nonstop. Since we’ve had no contact they have been wondeful and happy and feeling secure. They have started councelling on their own and hearing them speak their true feelings about this situation has been shocking. I couldn’t believe my ears and I just ache for them. But we are taking the proper steps to make things right.

I’ve also decided to take a new outlook on life and do things for me. I’ve had massages and treated myself to shopping and haircuts and a pedicure and some time alone to reflect and be thankful for what I have. I have found happiness and love within my children and the Lord and realized I need nothing more and whatever comes in my future will be heavensent. I love every minute I get to spend with my children. Talking to them and opening up about our thoughts and feelings and having fun. I’m taking one day at a time and healing and overcoming this obstacle. I have come to realize that I am worth more than this and I deserve happiness and to be treated like a woman should be treated and loved. A man who does this to a another human being isn’t worthy. This has been so tough and everything I do I constantly wonder and worry about hurting his feelings and then realize I just need to take this step back and really observe everything and come to healthy decisions without any influence. I don’t want to rush on my emotions, my sadness or anger, I don’t want to say things I will one day regret. I too have made mistakes and everything is a learning experience but this this isn’t a mistake this is cruelty yet in my heart I can find forgiveness and move on from it and just love this life that I’ve been given to live. I plan on doing just that. Living this life to the best and giving my children nothing but the best because that is what they deserve. They are the cutest, most generous, kindest children that hold an innocent beauty from God and as a mother I am here to protect them and guide them and do what is right for them and that is my only intention to do what is right for them....out of love. As hard as it was to get here I am excited. I am excited for my life and life with my kids and to see where tomorrow takes us. I have had nothing but love and support from all my family and friends and I couldn’t ask for better people to share our life with. I am so thankful and I feel so fortunate to have 4 little blessings and miracles beside all day. 4 little voices that tell me I’m pretty and beautiful and that I’m the best mommy and that they love me so much. I get to hear that everyday and tell them everyday how wonderful they are and that they are the best kids a mommy could ask for. I get to cuddle, hug and kiss them whenever I want to and whenever they need it. That is my life right now and I couldn't ask for anything different this very moment. God has given me a life worth living and I will make Him proud.

2008-08-04T00:56:00.000-07:00

2 months just flew right by. So many changes have taken place and once I have a few extra minutes I'll be able to write a little more...for now here are some recent photo's of my everythings!!

Oh Baby!!

2008-06-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

Brady Dean Dallas Seitz

Born June 2nd @ 4:23 pm

6lbs 10oz and 19 1/2 inches long (pretty good for 5 wks early)

He was taken to NICU immediately after his birth and was hooked up to oxygen and then intubated. After he was extubated he had jaundice and had to learn to feed on his own without a feeding tube. After a week and a half I was able to bring my little one home. He was quick and strong and quite the little fighter.

Brady is now 3 wks old and still likes to act like a premie but he's doing great. He's gaining weight and eating like a little piggy. He has his first cold but even so he's not very fussy. His days and nights are a little mixed up but that's the least of my worries. I'm just so happy to have him home. The kids adore him. Emily is such a big help, Carter is learning and Cohen well he's trying to learn to share mommy. But so far he's doing a pretty good job. It's made him a better cuddler :0)

2008-05-30T07:40:00.001-07:00

There are moments where I just want to take my kids and hide them from the cruelty in life. But unfortunately some experiences are meant to happen whether good or bad. Lately Emily is dealing with some pretty tough things and although it's toughening her up a little she is still so sensitive and young and innocent and broken hearted.

She has tried so hard to make friends at her new school while trying to keep her friends updated in BC. She met a few nice girls who got mad one day because she wanted to include another girl for lunch. Since then the friendship has been on the rocks. She was told she was fat, that she should have never moved here, that her friend was just pretending to like her, that she is a stupid fat b**** and a jerk and on and on and on. She has been trying to suck it up because she didn't want a huge drama show at school again but she couldn't help but cry at school and there is nothing she hates more than crying at school. So after that she is talking to her little crush in Naramata and he has a new crush and told her he is going to ask her out. She has never experience such continual bull shit (pardon my language). If there was ever a tiff at another school or with friends it was over and dealt with .... this just keeps going and going and going. She is so sick of it that she doesn't even want friends anymore because as soon as she tries to play with someone else or do her own thing she's getting freaked at. One of her friends told her to call names back and she said what's the point and walked away and called me.

We have been teaching her to be nice even when people are mean and to walk away and not stoop down to their level but I almost want to tell her to just finally just give it to someone the next time they mess with her. But that's not gonna work either. It's so tough. I've witnessed it first hand and I know it's not the kids fault, they are so young and probably don't really mean to be mean but ugh c'mon enough is enough. Emily said what bothers her the most is that her friends keep saying sorry and emailing her sorry letters but a few days after they say sorry they are mean again.

What can ya do but try to make a negative a positive which is what we are trying to do. Extra family time and less playdates. Focus on other things the kids really enjoy doing. We have so much family around these days which is super helpful. Between us, Justin's dad, my parents, my siblings and my great aunt and all our friends we have a lot of people around for the kids to have fun with. I'm just so thankful to be home. Everyday makes me happier and happier to be here!! I can't believe we were away from everyone for 3 years, we barely make it 3 days without seeing someone :)

Thanks to all for just being there in any way!!

The panic is on...

2008-05-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

I think I might need some psychiatric help, last minute prepping for this baby is driving me absolutely crazy. We have a spare room downstairs that totally needs to be unpacked and ready for some of our children to live in it so we can set up the room upstairs eventually for the baby. I'm trying to locate (ok making Justin locate) our baby things in boxes so I can clean them and have them ready. We need some new baby things as having a lot of kids makes you discover what are good purchases worth keeping around and what are not. So we need some new things which is fun in some ways a hassle in other (as in it takes me forever to walk from one store to the other with my super turtle slow waddle). In all honesty I feel somewhat grumpy and frazzled and now I'm going to go and eat MORE icecream :( Maybe that will make me feel all better and happy.

2 weeks :0)

2008-05-23T18:44:00.000-07:00

So after another trip to the obgyn and then being sent back to the hospital for some observation the doctor has decided to book me in for an ultrasound/amnio to make sure the baby's lungs are developed enough and then from there if all looks good I'll go right in for my c-section!! June 3rd we go in for my last check up and she will book it within a few short days from that appointment. I'm happy and relieved but yet frustrated because I'm still going to be super sore and uncomfortable for the next couple weeks. Every time I move my stitch tugs and pulls and pinches and then I cramp and contract and all the scarr tissue from previous surgeries is pulling and stretching and causing swelling in my lower abdomen on top of that with back ache, leg cramps and foot cramps. I am just done...at the end of my rope. I just can't wait for me and Justin to feel settled with our 4 children.

2008-05-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

Cohen says
" I lull you"
So special the first time a child says I love you.

Some Family Tidbits

2008-05-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

The kids are finally tucked nicely into their beds and the house is a little too quiet. I'm looking forward to this extra long weekend. Emily and Carter have Friday and Monday off school which is so nice. I'm really wanting a lot of family time in before life gets too too busy with another baby. Tonight was lovely, Justin sat between the older two and read to them as I rested on the other couch with Cohen (yes he actually laid down woohoo) and we all just listened.

I'm almost 33 weeks and I'm feeling very very blessed to be hitting this milestone in my pregnancy. As my pregnancies aren't always easy every day is a celebration with this little one cuddled in my belly. I am feeling rather done though. I have a feeling once this stitch is out so will our little Brady.

I started laughing uncontrollably today and then crying and then moving to utter frustration back to laughing because I pulled out YET ANOTHER pair of maternity pant that I have grown out of. WAY TOOOOOOO EARLY. So yes aside from loving the pregnancy and this baby and being happy most of the time. I am sick of feeling super fat and puffy and gassy. That part I am looking forward to getting under control and feeling healthy again and feeling energetic.

Aside from the pregnancy every one is doing awesome. Cohen is teething again and is getting sick but we kind of expected it especially since it looks like his eye teeth are trying to come through - up down up down up down. But he's happy and playful and trouble as always. He is learning so many new words and phrases it's so funny. The best phrase at this time is wada did i do? (what did i do) and his biggest word as of yet is Accident however it came out assident. He through his bottle at the blinds and said "wada did i do oooooooH....sss assident"

Carter is going through a growth spurt right now. It is such a nice change because he isn't an overly big eater and right now he is eating NON stop. He is learning so much in school. Everything about his teacher I absolutely LOVE! She is so into the kids and so fun I really wish he would have spent an entire year with her. He is coming home knowing about archaelogy and paleontologists. which is good for Carter as I surprised the kids with tickets to Walking with Dinosaurs for next thursday. After Carter is learning all about these ginormous things it will be worth every second of it.

Emily is also rather excited about the dinosaur show, a night out with her dad and Carter. Cohen and I will be home eating popcorn twists and watching veggie tales :) She's so funny, she is so stuck on the idea of becoming a celebrity like Hannah Montana. So the other day she was doing the grades in skipping and she made it to college and passed and said now I have my degree to be a celebrity. If only it was that easy. A week ago her class attended a literacy conference at the university and it really triggered a passion for writing. She's always wrote songs and poems but now she is inspired to write children's short stories. And they are soo good and extremely hillarious.

Justin is keeping busy as always. He is absolutely loving his new job and I love his job. He is sooo happy every day. He's never been stressed or tired or sick of any bit of his work which is pretty righteous!! He's also working on his book and he was just notified by his publisher that his other two book ideas have been approved and the contracts are being drawn up. Triple sweet. But what I love and truly admire the most is that he doesn't miss one ounce of family time and he manages to get most of the housework done before I even notice there is housework to do. I'm feeling very thankful for that. I mean he JUST gets it.

Well American Ido is on and I think I've babbled on long enough.
Till next time :0)

Oy Vay....what next?

2008-05-11T22:43:00.001-07:00

Today started off as a beautiful fun Happy Mother's Day. The kids presented me with some sweet gifts they made at school. Emily even had Cohen draw me a picture. I got the book I've been wanting and some beautiful stepping stones. My sister has been here all weekend and she prepared a Mothers Day lunch and my parents came over along with one of my brothers and my nephew. A great day of playing outside and laughing and just family fun.

Around 4 Justin took me to the walk in clinic because my arm was looking and feeling worse. See when I was in the hospital just recently I had an IV in my arm, when they took it out it was bruised as it usually gets....nothing out of the ordinary. Until the other day I hit my arm on a doorknob and then the next day the soreness went from the IV area (where I hit it) to the side of my wrist and became swollen and what not. It was getting worse so I thought hmmm maybe a hairline fracture or something but it was weird because I didn't even bump that spot. So I get to the dr. and she says I have a blood clot. Asked me some questions and because of my shortness of breath, my crazy elavated heart rate and the soreness in my leg from all the charlie horses and my blood clotting disorder I was rushed to the hospital. My parents met us back at the house to watch the children and Justin and I were off to meet the doctor.

So we get to the ER and go straight up to the Mat ward. The doctors and nurses were super quick and on the ball with me. The doctor was really worried I had a blood clot in my lung. I have never been so scared in my entire life. I had my blood work, then another nurse came in and I had an ECG done then another nurse came in a put in another IV and then the porter came in and took me for a CT scan. When the results came back the doctor was happy to announce I had no clot in my lung. However I do have a clot in my wrist but not a deep vein clot. The doctors are going to keep a close eye on it and make sure it doesn't get any worse.

Now 3rd time around is a charm, so next time I'm in the hospital I hope it is to have the baby....at the right time!!

2008-05-09T15:21:00.000-07:00

The joys of being in my final weeks of pregnancy. I'm completely uncomfortable, achy, crampy and super duper tired. However on the flip side everything makes me giggle and I've stayed super happy and giddy even being so physically drained.

Today I fell asleep in the playroom sitting upright playing blocks with the boys. I woke up with Carter screaming "cock a doodle doo" in my ear and Cohen launching cars off my belly.

I had to take Emmy for her Ortho work and I parked in a spot I was sure to have enough room, right beside a Handicap slot. So after the appointment we go back to the van and a car decided to park super close to us. Not good. I open up my door and try to get in and get stuck inbetween with just the tip of my belly. Too big. Couldn't even squeeze in. I couldn't climb through either because I don't fit between the seats. So I waited for a little bit and no one was coming so I went back into the Dentist's office and asked the receptionist if she could help me move my van. She was so nice and helpful and did just that so we were able to leave!!!

....AND THE CRAVINGS. Oh man. Every thing I drive by I want to eat. But then as soon as i see the next restaurant or grocery store I think of something else. I went from wanting candy - deep fried mars bar - mr. sub - subway - wings - verns pizza - quizno's- finally settling on quizno's to only get turkey ranch and a turkey mequite and sunchips and dorito's and then I couldn't decide if i wanted soup or cookies. Oh the poor lady that was serving us. Bless her patience. Luckily Justin ate one of the subs and the kids got some too of course.

Oh we went for our 32 wk ultrasound on Tuesday and we were able to see what our baby was up to in Tummy Land. HE is sooooooooooooo cute!!! Pudgy cheeks, fat legs, big belly. I love it. He looks so healthy and happy. YES that's right ANOTHER BOY!!!! Our little Brady Seitz. We're still working on the full name and the spelling and what not. It was so funny....so the ultrasound tech didn't waste anytime and scanned right to the genitals and WHOA it was no wondering it was right there like a softball . Justin asked him to take the zoom down a notch....except it wasn't on zoom. Emily was a little upset because she wants a sister so bad but she was also happy that she is going to be daddy's little girl forever and not share that special bond. And we bought her the plaid shorts she's been wanting. This age group clothes fixes everything.

Well I better get back to work . Now that Justin's friend revived our old hard drive we have all our photo's from BC and I had taken tons of photo's of our old place so I have to get everything printed off and sent in our evidence package for our case that we're taking0 to arbitration. It's exciting, a lot of work but it's all good!!

Home Sweet Home

2008-05-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all the kind notes and thoughts and prayers and the help we have received has been awesome.

It all started a few weeks ago with a lot of cramping. I've been watching it and checking in with the doctor but she said if it gets worse go in to the hospital if it's after office hours. Well Monday the cramping was bad and I was getting this intense burning sensation in my stomach and around my scar from previous surgeries. So off I went...

We get to the hospital and I got examined right away to find that I was/am 1cm dilated. My cerclage is still in place which is good it's started to dilate so we have to watch that. Then the burning was getting worse and the dr's were concerned that either my placenta was starting to tear or my scar was going to open. So I was put on the fetal monitor and the baby's heartbeat was really low, it was beating at about 103-109 consistently. So in case they were going to have to deliver the baby early they started me on the steroid shots. I had one that night and had to stay in until I could get another shot in 24 hrs. But in the meantime weird things were happening. The baby's heartbeat wasn't going up yet not in serious trouble either. The pain was getting worse and my blood results and urine tests were coming back all funky. I was on an IV drip the whole time and drinking and eating so I was getting more than enough fluids yet tests showed I was really dehydrated and had large amounts of glucose showing up. My white cell count was high and my potassium was low and my blood sugar levels were high. My blood pressure would go from normal to low. I had this weird pain in my wrists, arms and calves as if I had an 14 hour charlie horse brewing. So weird and painful and no one knows why, I got really pale and weak and puffy. But after about 14hrs that started to settle So no one knew what was going on. It was all a mystery.

I had an ultrasound and everything looked good on that. That confirmed that my placenta was fine and so was my scar. But the doctors weren't sure if things were in the process of going sideways. So I was monitored pretty closely. Also the estimated baby weight was already 4lbs 10 oz which was a good thing in case the baby was born a little early.

So today I was still having the pain and the nurses couldn't track down my original glucose results and they wanted to keep me in for observation another night and just keep up with pain meds but I couldn't. I needed to be home so bad. I would have stayed in but I have a prenatal and ultrasound booked for Tuesday and with Justin being at home and being at my beck and call I thought I could do it. He was having trouble surviving at home with the kids without me. The kids were getting so scared and wondering if I was ever coming home. So I thought I can relax and rest in the comfort of my own home unless it gets even worse. I needed to have a nice bath in my jacuzzi and lay in my bed and just look at my husband and kids when I want to. So far I'm feeling not too bad. Tender and sore but relieved to be home.

So far what the doctors are going on is because I have so much scar tissue/adhesions from previous surgeries that because this baby is so big and I'm getting so big, with all the stretching happening it is stretching and pulling on the scar tissue. Painful and not fun but over with soon. I have a few more weeks and this baby can come. I just hope it stays in a few more weeks!!

Well my comfy bed is making me sleepy so I should turn out the lights and call it a night.

Thanks again everyone for your care and concern and prayers and messages and help we couldnt have done it without you!!
Blessings and
Love Carissa

Whose Belly is Bigger????

2008-04-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

I was going through some photo's Justin uploaded for me and I came across this picture he took of me and my dad at Easter time. One of my favorite pictures right now.

I was about 25/26 wks in this photo and my dad well.... ;0)

"i boogie"

2008-04-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

Cohen entertained my grandparents last weekend by picking his nose. His new thrill. As you can tell everyone else was quite entertained by his new discovery.

A Great Day...and many more to follow!!

2008-04-15T22:08:00.001-07:00

Today Emily came home from school happy. Kids are starting to approach her and want to be her friend. She has been apologized to by some kids and they said they were mean because they had to be but they don't want to be anymore. Later on in the day the bigger bully approached Emily and Em smiled and said Hi and to Em's surprise she said...."so do you want to be friends". I guess she got in a bunch of trouble for bullying and she is not only just being nice to Emily but to other girls as well. Emily is just happy to finally have some friends and not be so alone anymore. She said she isn't quite ready to be friends with the bully but she is going to keep being nice and see how things go and who knows. This little girl is still so young and I believe she can change and be sweet, no person truly wants to be mean.

Update

2008-04-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

Justin and I decided that as much as we wanted to just grab our child and protect her and haul her out of school and scream at the children that were bullying and whatever else ran through our minds we didn't. Instead we taught her how to handle the situation in a mature manner and not stoop down to the level of the bully. Be kind, be nice as much as it kills to do it do it. Stay clear as best as you can and talk about it. But not continue to talk about it so negatively and look for more positive things than just the meanness and bullying.

Friday I went in and talked to the principal and he was great. He was welcoming and understanding and ready to take actions into his own hands. He talked to Emily privately and talked to the bully privately and each little girl the bully's social circle. Hopefully it works. Of course the day of the bully continued to go after Emily calling her a liar and just harrassed her non stop but hopefully (fingers crossed) it will die down. Emily feels a bit stronger. Two girls approached her and ate with her and wanted to be with her at recess and while I was at the school spying (openly I might add) I got to meet the girls and they are SOOO nice. They are just your average little 9 year old. Kind, they don't care about what they wear and just act like kids should act.

I have a lot of hope that this coming week of school is going to be so much better on Emily. Now that she has a couple other girls to hang out with she won't be so alone. We've been praying and teaching her and loving her and just uplifting her as much as possible and looking at all that is happy and great instead of all this yucky bad stuff. It's working and even Emily is looking forward to a better week of school.

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words and prayers. It means so much. As a parent it is just heartwrenching to go through this with your child. I mean all you want is your kids to be happy and have fun. Dropping Emily off at school knowing she was going to be standing alone leaning against the side of the wall getting picked on is just so horrifying. This week I think she'll finally be able to just play and have fun and enjoy school a little more and more each day. Thank God!!...and thank you!!!!!

Heartbroken

2008-04-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

I just walked into my daughter's room and tucked her in and stood over her for a moment to watch her sleep and lay in her bed holding her monkey. As I write this blog I'm stumped, I'm unsure of what to do as a parent. My little girl's heart is broken and me and Justin feel broken for her.

The transition into her new school has been difficult. First day was great, she loved every minute of it. Everyone wanted to know her and sit with her and play with her at recess. The next day it was just one girl that went back to her and that little girl is becoming a good friend to Emily but right now she is away and won't be back for a week. Even though the bullying started before her friend left it didn't feel as bad because she still had someone to play with. Now she is left standing alone on the side of the school wall.

Her friend Kassidy was friends with another girl who was a little on the mean side and when Emily came along Kassidy latched onto Em which was great. But jealousy took over the other little girl and she decided to let Emily know how she feels about her new friendship with "her" friend. She called Kassidy's house and left a rude message on her parents answering machine about how she hates her now that she is with Emily. She told all the girls at school that Emily stole Kassidy from her. It's so dumb.

There is a popular ring of grade 4 girls already. The ring leader could be compared to Rachel Witchburn on "Sydney White" Total little brat. If you aren't her friend she torments you and if you try sticking up to her she torments you. The other day Emily was standing alone watching the girls play and a girl said Emily help...what Emily didn't know is that one of the other girls names is Emily. Emily said sorry I don't know what you want me to do. They turned around and said they weren't talking to her and called her a "freak". Today the same little stinker approached Emily and asked if she new where another little girl was, Emily said no and she said I thought so because why would you know where she is when you stole her best friend, new girls should have NO FRIENDS!. Emily didn't say anything back, instead she just stood there all alone and just felt sick to her stomach. Emily talked to us about what's been going on today after school and told us that the same girl called her a "whore". But she didn't want to say anything because she is worried we are going to go back and tell the teacher and she doesn't want to be any more embarrassed than she already is.

I was waiting with Emily before school started and a different little girl comes up to her and says..."like why do you wear that same jacket like every day, i mean it's a cool jacket but like you wear it everyday". It then clicked why Emily was going through 3 or more outfits a morning before she knew what to wear. We sat her down and had a heart to heart to her about what is important in life and to our amazement this morning she was wearing her sweatpants and a bunnyhug and said I'm going to school like this, I don't care what they say, I feel comfy. Justin was so happy and said ok then can I come to school with you and we'll go comfy together and shock everyone. So Justin went in his reindeer pants and Emily in her sweatpants. I wish that feeling would have lasted forever for her but it didn't :(. Justin gave her his photo ID to carry around with her so that if she got to sad she had a piece of him with her. When we picked her up from school she still held the card in her hand.

I wish we could protect her and go to school with her every moment. I would really like to tell those kids where to go but that's not teaching Emily the right thing. We keep talking to Emily and helping boost her confidence in herself but it doesn't seem to be working. We are trying to tell her she's better than the kids and not to fight back and stoop to their level but when is enough ENOUGH!! Do we wait it out and hope it gets better. I've already gone in and talked to the teachers and they were so good about it and helpful and had some good ideas but I understand there is so much a teacher can do with so many kids. And these kids are smart and do it when the teacher is not around. Do we approach the parents and talk about it, do we let it ride itself out, do we switch schools to only encounter the same issue there or take the chance that it's not? I'm stuck, Justin's stuck. We know that we can't watch her go through this much longer. Our 9 yr old should not be in such a hurtful situation like this.

??

2008-04-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

3rd Trimester, I completely forgot how far along I am. It's crazy. I was at the doctor yesterday and she said my section has already been booked...ahhhhhh where has this pregnancy gone. 2 months oh my. I'm not unpacked or anything, Nesting is in high gear now!!!!!

I'm Sorry....Say that again???

2008-04-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

So today I stopped at the Ticketmaster kiosk to buy some "Walking with Dinosaurs" tickets and for starters so indecisive I didn't know what day, what time, how many tickets ughh the indecisiveness is crazeeeee!!!!
Then it gets even more embarrassing.

Lady behind counter : "what is your name"
Me: " uhh McNaught"
Lady: "McNaught is your name"
Me: phff sorry hahaha my name was McNaught my name is Carissa last name Seitz.
Lady: Spell that please
Me: Oh lord (hum and hah)

TOTAL BRAIN FART!!!!!!!!

Uffffff

2008-04-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

Bumper Belly

2008-04-04T07:50:00.001-07:00

The belly is officially getting in the way. I bend over, I topple over, I set the table and bump the kids in the head, I get stuck, I get stuck in doorways. We had family over for Easter and my dad and I tried getting through the doorway at the same time, his belly + my belly = both us getting stuck and having a good laugh!!! It's all fun. I love this stage of pregnancy. I love the belly and I miss it sooooo much when it is gone and turns into a ball of flab but at least we are rewarded and gifted and priveliged to have such a beautiful baby. I'm getting more and more excited. I love being around stores other than Walmart (I HAVE MY CONSIGNMENT STORES BACK YAY AND DISCOVERED AND NEW COOL ONE!!) I see my new specialist on Tuesday and hopefully soon we will find out what our little one is so we can plan a little more.

The children had their first week of school and LOVED every minute of it. The school is great. They have caught up already and are working on some pretty cool projects. 620 kids versus 100 kids was a big change for them it's been fun fun fun. Today there is no school due to a water main break.

We've all been sick...still. Ugh I am desperate for this dumb cold to leave our home finally it's been lingering since we moved. Cohen is still not any better, mind you he's playful but he's got a gross cough and runny nose and his molars aren't quite out yet. I think once the molars break through completely he'll get some rest. Justin had to have emergency oral surgery. His wisdom tooth was causing a bad infection in his mouth and making a mess so he had it taken out yesterday but it was growing sideways so they had to cut and drill and ugh it's gross...stitches and everything. Poor guy is on so many drugs to help with the infection and pain and nothing is working.

Oh and breaking news....FOUND OUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE. I had to transfer my license over and went back to McNaught, they wouldn't let me be a Seitz because I didn't have my certificate. So now that I found it I have to get so many things changed over. I was so worried I lost it or forgot to pack it or something but Justin to the rescue found it in my cards keepsake box. I'm excited to get everything changed over. Our health cards, bank accounts, driver's license, dr. files. etc...

So now that we are somewhat settled we have to start dealing with issues that have arisen back in the Okanagan. Our old landlord is pulling a fast one on us and being quite snakey which is soooo UNCOOL!!!!!! We did a lot for that guy, we took care of the home as if it was our own, we brought his yard back to a YARD, we never fussed with his lack of repair or broken promises, our fridge broke down a week before we moved and defrosted all our food, stressed him out we just let it be, put our food in a mini fridge and said we could live without it if it was going to be a hassle to get a new one in. So what happens is this...

Our moving van was scheduled to come on the 10th a Monday when he had to work so he thought it would be best to come on the 9th keeping in mind that our stuff will still be in the house but the walkthrough was needed. He confirmed with us about 12 times via phone and email and everytime we said yes we'll be there for you. He shows up with a painter and some friends and their child. Justin was waiting the whole time to do the walkthrough and he comes out to shake Justin's hand and ask for our address to mail us our rent refund and our damage deposit. So a couple days later I find out the postal code and what not and email it to him for him to say that he won't send anything back UNTIL he walks through it next time he's in the village. Uhhhh ILLEGAL. You can't redo a walkthrough with the tenants being gone. We've looked into EVERYTHING with the rentalsman and that was wrong wrong wrong of him to do. How it works is he has to tell us right then and there what is wrong with the place and the portion of the deposit that he wants to keep and if we don't agree we take it to arbitration but he only has 15 days from the time that we provide him with our written mailing address or our deposit gets doubles. Well lets just say it's April 4th, I gave him our address March 12th. So far I have only received my post dated chq's and two days ago I received a check for the rental portion he promised to return to us. No deposit but he left us a note with the rent chq stating he will see the house in a week and take it from there. No go buddy, so we're filing. What a kick in the rear to us though. We were so patient and understanding with him, never made stink about nothing and always gave him rent and fixed small things ourselves and he pulls this. It's insulting and disappointing. We don't even want to fight about it we just want what is rightfully ours returned and be done with it....no drama. It's not that easy dealing with it from another province either and who knows maybe that is why he is doing this because he knows we don't have the time to pursue it. But we will anyways especially now that the amount gets doubled.

Well I think I've babbled on enough with this blog. I'm procrastinating the errands a little oops....note to self - - get butt in gear...

25 wks

2008-03-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

OOoooooh do I feel huge. I don't even think my belly or my rear will fit on the camera. Other than that so far so good. YAY!! I still haven't had to go on bedrest which is super awesome and I can definitely live with hormonal flairs, crazy heartburn and a little wild flatulence as long as that bedrest stays away.

I had my first prenatal in Saskatoon and I'm going back to a specialist I really liked so I'm feeling pretty fortunate to have her back and have her do my c-section. I was a little apprehensive about switching doctors in the middle of the pregnancy but all will work out quite nicely.

It's getting funny for the kids now because mommy can't move as fast and I get short winded when they need a talking too and I have started getting stuck in parking stalls between the door and the next car and the dining room chair and the wall which they find that just hillarious. Me not so much :0))

Oh and must I add....SASKATOON ASIAN SPRING ROLLS Ahhhhhhh
I'm so happy to be home. I'm going to eat there tomorrow and I'm going to order some for take home. I love it!!

As soon as I unpack my camera cables I'll be sure to upload some photo's.

Bibbity bobbity boooo....

2008-03-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

Nope didn't work. The boxes are still here :0)
Actually it's not that bad. Justin's dad drove in and helped us pack and put stuff together. My dad helped with our bedroom, my mom was over today helping me do some cleaning and unpacking. Because we've been in this moving process for so long now I'm just sooooo anxious for it to be all finally settled and not a box in site. We are having fun with the new house though and even though we haven't been able to see too many people yet in Saskatoon we LOVE being back. We had the funnest silliest time at the grocery store it was just awesome. Justin can't stop doing the happy dance which is pretty entertaining. The kids are still missing their friends in Naramata but I'm sure once we get them set up at a school they will feel a little more settled themselves. They need their routine back and it's been temporarily broken. Poor Cohen is just beside himself in agony the poor baby is cutting 4 molars all at the same time. Each 1/4 the way through. He's had it pretty easy in the teething department until now but hopefully he can get some rest soon.

This weekend will be our first big family get together in ages. We are having everyone over for and Easter/triple birthday combo celebration. Easter Sunday dinner followed by Happy Birthday's to my sister Jenna, my awesome husband and my dad who's turning the BIG 50!!! I can't wait.

Well I best be getting back to it. Hopefully I can get organized soon and post lots of photo's.
Toodles....

We're here and waiting....

2008-03-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

Well we have had quite the exciting adventure. We packed up and moved from Naramata, I love love absolutely love that place and I'm so glad our family experience the village life there, but it was time to move home with baby #4 on the way. Emily and Carter had a hard time leaving their friends and Gramma but we plan to keep in touch. Emily was able to make a wonderful memory with her BFF Maddy, they performed in a talent show and sang Hannah Montana's "True Friend". It was awesome and a huge accomplishment for the girls.

Saturday the 8th we flew to Edmonton to spend some time with my Jenna and Justin. We went to Chuck E. Cheese. We are so going back too. West Ed was fun so much fun. The kids got to go on a bit of a shopping spree and Build A Bear and splurge at the Disney store. We also saw the underwater sea creatures and the kids were able to touch sting ray. It was a good way to keep their mind off leaving the friends and not being around their dad.

Justin arrived on Tuesday and Wednesday we headed for Saskatoon with a nice stop for lunch with Papa Harold. Mmmmm Dairy Queen. We got to Saskatoon and the kids got sick :0( along with everyone else. We're at my parents and trying to get organized and get settled. Hopefully the moving van gets here tomorrow!!! We are just anxious to get in the house and get settled and the kids are desperate for their toys. It feels so good to be back around family and hopefully we'll be able to catch up with some friends soon.

Oh it's supper better run....

Cohen

2008-02-28T21:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Cohen's 18 mth immunizations. All went well so we thought, usual swelling, pain and fussiness. We treated him like always with tylenol and lots of cuddles. This morning he woke up and I went to change him out of his jammies and his arm was so swollen his sleeve was tight. When I got his clothes off not only was he swollen from the his collar bone to his elbow, left side of chest and left side of back all the way to his shoulder blade, but from his elbow to his shoulder was completely red, hard, and hot. Because he had some swelling last time we new to report it first with the health nurse and find out exactly where we need to go from here. So we called in got some info super fast and they called our family doctor in which we were able to get in right away. I drove up there, he took one look was extremely concerned and got on the phone with emerg and a pediatrician. Off we went.

I got to the hospital quick because the pediatrician was meeting us right there....so I thought. 2 fricking hours later she finally arrived and said they emerg admitting said to wait because they had no rooms, we then proceeded into a room that was indeed vacant for the entire 2 hours. What came about his exam is that Cohen developed an infection a bad one that can only be treated through IV meds. So they proceeded and tried to put in an IV. Doctors, nurses on top of Cohen holding the poor guy down and they couldn't do it. They tried twice and stopped. Gave him some meds to make him sleepy but it did the reverse and made him super duper hyper, I mean he was literally jumping on the bed. So they tried again. TWO more hours and 5 more pokes with the IV needle they finally got it in. The doctor had to call in two male paramedics to help hold him down and because she couldn't put the IV in and her resident couldn't they retaught the paramedic how to do it. I was just blown away. I mean the guy said he hadn't done it in years and couldn't remember how to do it. He failed a few times and Cohen was bleeding and crying. I just wanted to take him and run. But finally it was over with. He was then given his first dose of antibiotics...

Now it is 10PM and Justin has taken Cohen back into emerg for his 2nd dose and tomorrow morning he will go in for his 3rd. In the mean time he has the IV all taped up on his little foot, hobbling around the house. After his 3rd dose tomorrow he will then be able to take the meds orally. Thank goodness!!!

I better go back and sit by the phone, hopefully everything goes smoothly for him tonight.

Remember Me?

2008-02-26T20:36:00.000-08:00

Ooooooooh I gots it.
My husband came home with the brand new book from my favoritist author ever Sophie Kinsella.

S-A-T-U-R----DAY

2008-02-23T13:50:00.000-08:00

Thanks Kristin for an super fun girls night last night. I had such a blast.

Kristin and I went and played BINGO, it was hillariously fun. It was $10 for 15 games and although we didn't win any money we had so much fun. Then appy's half price at the Pasta Factory. Mmmmm... they were so yummy. Our men had the children and when we got home everyone was well behaved and sleeping. It's so nice to return from an evening out to know that the kids were great.

There is a talent show being held at the local highschool and they were offering auditions from K-12 kids. Emily and her BFF Maddy had their hearts set on performing. They found a song, learned it to perfection and choreographed dance moves. It's awesome. At noon today they had their audition and it went great. Maddy's mom and I got the message from one of the judges before we left and they said they would make it so hopefully that stands true. Perfect timing, something for Em to remember always before we move away.

It breaks my heart though. I thought this move would be much more happier and I've been so sad to leave. It's been cry fest after cry fest. Our time in the Okanagan has been memorable and the people in the village will always be in our hearts. I feel like a big bad mom having to tear my kids away from their friends. Carter is starting to just accept it and doesn't really care, he'll miss his buds but Emily oh dear. Her and her lil hearthrob Riley. Riley has promised as soon as he can drive he is going to come and get Em from Saskatoon and take her up to the top of the mountain and give her her first kiss. They are just smitten with eachother. Riley carries around Em's valentine in his jacket pocket and wrote "I love Emily very much" under his hat. On Valentine's day he gave her a cool super hero card at school and then later that night dropped off a hand made card with a box of chocolates on our doorstop. Who knows maybe this little love story will last a lifetime. Too soon too tell of course they are only 9 but they just love eachother so much. Emily is very firm on how she acts around him, she tells me mom, guys don't like girls falling all over them so I just act cool especially around his friends. She never wants to embarrass him. But for the first time the other day at school the boys were playing basketball and Riley took a break and said guys I gotta go say hi to my girlfriend. Em was just shocked. We plan to keep these kids in contact and bring Em out to visit and hopefully we'll be able to meet up with them when they are in Calgary this summer.

Well again, I best get back to packing while Carter is at his friends birthday party. Till next time...

Private no more?

2008-02-22T10:49:00.000-08:00

So the private thing is just thrown out the window. Easier for the readers that don't have a google account. Oh well my hacker husband will make sure no psycho's goof on my blog ;))

We have been so busy with the move that I've been neglecting photo's and blogging. I can't wait to be moved and be done with all this packing but I am going to really miss it here. I'm sad and worse the kids are just heartbroken.

I am flying to Edmonton with the children and we'll stay with my sister until Justin drives through. We leave on the 8th and we should be in Saskatoon on the 13th and hopefully all moved in on the 15th.

Well back to packing. . .

2008-02-11T20:45:00.000-08:00

Carter sings
2...4...6...8...
Who do we appreciate
.......MEEE!!!!.......

Going Private

2008-02-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

I've decided to go private with my blog. I did it a little too soon though without much notice so I've decided to wait until the end of the week to put it completely private. So if you would like to continue viewing it please send me your email on the comments section of the blog and I will make sure to add you.

Reason for doing so is there are a few too many creepo's out there I've discovered and I figure since I'm posting about my kids and what not it would be best. The last thing I want is someone from some other country whom I don't know checking out my profile same as within my own country.

Kicks of Joy

2008-01-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

I'm 17 wks now and today I'm feeling a lot better. I went in for the Shirodkar stitch on Tuesday. It all went well, the doctor did an amazing job except I wasn't completely frozen by the spinal and I felt them cut and it just about shot me through the roof but I couldn't move my legs so I didn't get to far. After that it went fine. Normally I'm a nervous wreck and super scared. I was a little nervous and worried but I was alot calmer. The doctor that did the surgery has performed 2 others on me and I think that's why I felt so safe is I just trusted him so much. The after affects were a little different this time around, a lot more cramping and pain but I"ve been taking it easy and Justin has been helping with absolutely EVERYTHING which makes this recovery time that much easier.

After I had the surgery and was wheeled back to my room the nurse brought in the doplar to check on the baby. Justin and I waiting anxiously to hear the sweet sounds of our baby but nothing. She tried over and over and over and nothing. We started worrying because we've heard the heart beat on the doplar so many times but not this time. Luckily our doctor was in the next room and he rushed over to check with his portable ultrasound and there was our little baby with it's heart beating sweetly. He then checked the doplar and the thing was broken. Phewfffff. What a relief that was.

Since I've been home I've been feeling a lot of baby kicks and movements. I've been feeling little things here and for a couple weeks but they are stronger this week and Justin was able to feel some flutters ---- no they weren't gas bubbles either ;0)
The kicks are coming at the perfect time, it's always a little nerve wracking after surgery to wonder if the baby is ok and feeling the movements we know it is completely fine.
We are still unsure of the sex, when they checked on the ultrasound baby had it's legs closed and twisted so hopefully we'll find out in a week or so.

Well I best be going and resting some more.
Thank you for all your well wishes and prayers.

Nerves

2008-01-22T08:49:00.000-08:00

I finally got over the silly hives and discovered it was from a Granny's turkey allergy. No more turkey for me that's for sure.

I finally felt rested and happy the ordeal was over and the pressure came on Friday night. Because I've had an incompetent cervix in the past I had stitches put in at 14wks. This pregnancy has been going so good and my cervix looked great so the doctor thought I might be able to get away with it. 2 wks ago I was measuring 3.81cm an yesterday only 2.09cm. Since the shortening happened in a short period of time I am booked in for my shirodkar stitch this afternoon. Better be safe than sorry.

When I had it with Carter and Cohen I was a nervous wreck and bawled the whole time. I was given a spinal but the doctors are opting to just knock me out this time around. Oh that would be wonderful. So for the next week I'm out of commission, lots of movies and books an sidoku and icecream lots of icecream. I'm so happy Justin is working from home now and that he's around to help with Cohen. I'll miss lifting the little man but hopefully it's just short term.

Off I go to pack up my gear for the waiting room.....

2008------sloooow down

2008-01-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

I can't believe January is nearly over. I hope the rest of the year doesn't go as fast as the past few weeks have.

Justin accomplished his first week at home with productivity and peace. Not driving 3 extra hours a day has sure relieved a load off his shoulders and mine too. It is so nice having him home everyday for breakfast and coffee and dinner and early suppers.

We're still planning our move home. Somethings are going smoothly and others well are frustrating. We have decided to rent a home for the first little while. We were approved for a mortgage and we were so excited that we can buy our first home but we didn't want to try doing it long distance. This is something that needs to be experience with the kids and us walking through places with a realtor. The rental market however is so ridiculous. I can handle the increase of rental properties short term but what I can't handle is most places are half finished. No one is finishing their homes anymore. Finished home = more money but oh well something is sure to pop up soon. We don't anticipate finding a place until the beginning of february so we can have it bookef for March or April. I just want this part to speed up. I want to be in Saskatoon like yesterday...oh I'm craving the Keg, saskatoon asian, poverino's, samuraii. Jerry's icecream.

OH boy now my mouth is watering and I need food.....I'll post another time
what to eat ... what to eat...

The Blessed Things 2008 Brings

2008-01-08T23:17:00.000-08:00

I can't believe Christmas is oooover. I'm so sad, we had such a great time this year I didn't want it to be over and technically in our house it isn't, I still have my tree and all my decorations up. But I do realize I need to take them down soon....ESPECIALLY SINCE I NEED TO START PACKING FOR
OUR
MOVE
HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it all starts with this..
My husband has been working his butt off and it has finally paid off sooner than expected. I'm so proud of him and all his accomplishments and all we have to look forward to this year and the years after. He did this for our family and he always managed and continues to keep us his #1 while achieving his goals. The #1 Security/ hacking companies in the world offered Justin a job just before Christmas. It's amazing. He's still in shock. The craziest part is they only hire the best of the best in the world and he is now one of them. He officially starts this Monday and he gets to work remotely every day with the exception of speaking at conferences and what not. So because he is able to work remote we decided with all the stuff happening this year it would be best to move home.

We've always wanted to move home and now is our chance. We're so excited and we're so sad all at the same time. We live in an amazing village unlike no other and the people here have hearts of gold. I wish I could take the village with me and all it's ammenities but I can't. However this will be our vacation spot. We're sad to leave our friends and even sadder to have to leave ma behind :( My husband's mom is in a nursing home and because of her dementia and the outstanding place she is in we've been advised that it's best to keep her here where she feels at home. I still want to pack her up with us but I have to think what's best for her and we've had some memories we're going to cherish forever.

Our move date is March, whenever the movers can fit us in we go. So we are lining up a house and packing and preparing.... I can't wait to see all our friends and be with our family again.

Speaking of family, we had a very family holiday. Yesterday was our first empty nest day. First we had Justin's mom for Christmas Eve, then Justin's dad for Boxing week and his wife and his Aunt and Uncle and then my brother Nathan, sister Jenna and my brother in law Justin flew out for a week. We're not sure what to do without company anymore. Last night we just went to bed at 8.

The kids are doing wonderful. Cohen has new tricks up his sleeve everyday. Carter is keeping us entertained with his current defiance stage and Emily poor thing is becoming black and blue with all her falls but she is good and "in love".

Here is a bit of a heartbreaking yet heartwarming story.
Our sweet Emily has taken the breath away of our little neighbour boy. He just loves her and has for quite some time now. Christmas Day he brought her over a little gift...an ornament and a card with the words of thanks and I love you and you're my girlfriend. So sweet. She felt bad because we're moving and so after he left she called him on the phone and broke the news. :0( He told her that's ok, because one day he's going to find her and marry her. We talked to his mom and she said he's been crying every night and he's so torn that she is moving. And when she tells him to think happy thoughts he says it's worse. They are going to miss eachother so much but maybe one day he will find her like he says. I mean it really is only 9 years away. Justin and I were almost ready to just cancel the move, it broke our hearts that we were breaking theirs.

For Christmas we got a new camera, it's super sweet and I've been having too much fun with it. So much that I've taken almost 200 photo's already. I'll have to upload them all soon. IN the mean time here are a few from Christmas that Justin tested out. Enjoy and more will soon come :)

Blessing to you all this 2008!!!!

Carter being silly as always!!

Emily thrilled about all her new Hannah Montana stuff!!

Cohen's new camera pose...say cheese Cohen.............Cheeeeee

Santa Morning!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

2007-12-24T08:53:00.000-08:00

I"m not sure who is excited more me and Justin or the kids. We've decided we can't wait anymore so we're letting the kids open all their presents today with Grandma and tomorrow they can enjoy their Santa gifts. I'm going to make a yummy mommy meal tonight in hopes to fill my children's belly's and have them in bed somewhat early because I know tomorrow they will be wide awake at 5 AM.

Tomorrow we're having a special Christmas dinner with a wonderful family in town and then Boxing Day... Papa Harold arrives. New Years Aunti Jenna, Uncle Justin and Uncle Nathan get to come visit for a week. Then we'll take a trip up to Apex and let the kids go tubing down the mountains.

Yesterday we had some snow, enough for some tobogganing so if it decides to stick around for the day and not melt we might get a chance to use our sleds.

Enjoy the holidays everyone, we miss you!!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

2007-12-17T19:57:00.000-08:00

Our Christmas present came a little early this year. Last night we had a bit of a scare. I was having some severe sharp pains in my side and because of all our previous pregnancy troubles we thought we better get to the hospital. The doctor on call was a complete ass and that is an understatement. A total mean uncompassionate heartless man. First of all he didn't believe my pain was coming from where I said it was then he sends in a nurse with a doplar and because she couldn't find a heartbeat he says, well if your bodyis preparing for miscarriage there isn't anything I can do for you. So go home and come back tomorrow for an ultrasound. I said I wanted an ultrasound right then and there with their portable machine and he continued to fight me on it until I told him that if he didn't wheel in the machine I would do it myself and that I wasn't leaving the hospital until he could tell me my baby was alive or not. So afer he storms out of my room whipping the curtains he sends another nurse in to try and get me to leave the hospital because they needed my bed. FORGET IT!!! Then another nurse comes in...one who heard what was going on from outside the curtain and she said if they didn't do the ultrasound she would do it herself. Finally the doctor comes back in and does the ultrasound not really knowing what he's doing and instead of moving the probe around he leaves it in one spot not seeing anything and says ... are you even pregnant...when you saw your gyno what did he even see.... Justin and I both said...A baby! He said he didn't see a baby....but after he moved the probe around there was our little bundle of joy bouncing around my uterus. He then says he still has no idea if anything is wrong but that was enough for me at the moment. Something to go home and have hope about and pray about. So today we went for our ultrasound and the baby is perfect. Healthy, measuring on date and everything else looks absolutely perfect. We both started crying and hugged the ultrasound technician. The best Christmas news we could hear.

Here is a little funny story that happened this morning.
Cohen was playing with Carter's slinky and stuck it in his diaper, the back of his diaper. He's running around as the slinky is bouncing up and down and we're all laughing when he stops to poop. Justin is hoping it's a toot and unwinds the slinky from his diaper and indeed he pooped, and pooped on the slinky.
Never a dull moment in the Seitz home...

Moments like these....

2007-12-05T15:41:00.001-08:00

This morning Carter was off school. He had to attend in the afternoon because of a big school performance. He was so happy to be home and we got to hang out and make muffins and have car races. Then I had to do some tidying up while Cohen was sleeping so I started in the living room and I was talking to Carter but no answer. So I walked to my room to make my bed when there he was making it for me. I took one look at it and was so happy he thought of doing something to help me so we could play some more. It was made the way kids do...messy blankets, pillows all over the place and sheets half out of the bed but it was the best bed making I've ever seen. I left it and loved the gesture and thanked him and we ate some muffins and drank some milk. Moments like these I love and cherish being a mommy!!!

Lately....

2007-11-24T09:57:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we celebrated Emily's 9th birthday. We went glow bowling with all the kids Saturday night. They were so good and had so much fun. Here are a few photo's:

Presents, presents and more presents. The kids that joined us for the birthday were more than generous and gave Emily wonderful gifts. She received a few gift cards for Claire's so she's really anxious to go and shop shop shop!! Gramma Vonn and Uncle Eric and Auntie Krisitn were able to come join us for the party with baby Harrison. Other news on the homefront:

Yesterday was the first report card of the season, Emily's first report card with letter grades and Carter's very first report card. The reports were outstanding. Emily has straight A's and is exceeding in most subjects far beyond her grade level and Carter is a top notch kindergartener.

Our little beaner baby is doing great. We had an ultrasound on Thursday and it was so nice and clear and great to see such a healthy little baby. We could see the head and bum and arms and legs and a rapid beating little heartbeat. We were given a due date of June 27th and we'll have a planned c-section, if all goes well then baby will be here around mid June if the baby follows the same path as our last two boys baby will be here end of May beginning of June. All we want is a healthy pregnancy this time and a very healthy lil baby. It's exciting and scarey all at the same time.

Cohen is growing like a weed, he's going through a major growth spurt right now which is a little rough on me in the evenings but he's been really good during the day. He has taken up the act of climbing ON EVERYTHING. When I have pushed in all the chairs and blocked off the kitchen entrance he builds things to climb on. And dances and dances and dances. If he even hears the beat of fingers tapping on a table he starts bouncing. It's hillarious.

Carter on the other hand is having more difficulty. Since September he has been suffering on and off with headaches but they are always accompanied with a stuffy nose and many other things. Recently they have gotten worse and we're trying to find out with frequent visits to doctors what is going on with this little guy. He's always been such a sick boy and we're tired of seeing him always under the weather. Hopefully we find a solution to his problems soon because it's really starting to bring him down and Justin and I are getting more stressed as the days go on. Please keep our little guy in your prayers, it's not an easy thing to see a child sick all time. I just hope it's nothing serious and an easy fix. Hope to God it is!!

Justin has just completed Chapter 2 so it's off to the publisher. He received his 1st chapter back with really positive remarks and encouragement. Which is great motivation to keep on writing.

And I think I'm ready to get my butt in gear to go shopping. I think I've made the family wait long enough while I blogged and uploaded photo's. :0)

Have a wonderful weekend!!

Doodeedoo

2007-11-15T20:37:00.000-08:00

Well I think I'm getting used to the new "do" hairdo that is. I am over the fact that if it's just done with a quick blow dry that it still looks really uneven so I'm flipping it. It also make me look more like I'm 27 than 5 so I"m living with it.

The other "do" we're preparing for is Emily's 9th birthday. AHHHHH. We had a huge awakening as parents. No more my little pony parties and strawberry shortcake and barbie parties. Yet she still plays with all those things she wants more Big girl parties. So we're doing a bowling party. As proud as I am as a mother and as happy as I am that my kids are healthy and reaching these birthday milestones I am also shocked at how fast it goes and saddened that they are that much older. I could just bottle their youth and keep them young forever and keep them in my care forever.

I DO need to post more pictures but my camera has been acting up but hopefully Santa surprises me with a new one **hint hint**

I'm seriously craving anything that tastes like grapes. Pickles smothered in grape jelly...............mmmmmmmm oh shucks I just finished the grape jelly WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?? I drank all my grape water, I ate all my grape jelly beans and I have no more grape jelly however I do have pickles. It's so weird I get more cravings in my first trimesters than I do throughout the rest of my pregnancy. And as for pickles with Emily I loved pickles and with Carter I loved pickles with chocolate cake and icing, yes mixed together, but with Cohen I barely ate pickles.

Well I just heard the car door which means Justin is home and I gotta finish watching my movie.
...Toodles

November Long

2007-11-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

Mediocre busy around the Seitz home this weekend. It all started off with a baaaaaaaaad hairdo. I swear BC hairdressers SUCK!!!!!!!! I had a perfect picture of how I wanted my hair done and the woman did not bad but missed some spots so when I went back to get it touched up a different girl took it upon herself to screw my hair up even more. ugh. I can't go back now or I'll have no more hair left. At least I can mask the mess by flipping it up. More reasons why we need to move back to Saskatoon. I need my hairdresser back :0(

We went out for an awesome meal at our friends place Saturday night. She made a roast chicken with fresh herbs and the works with apple and pear crisps for dessert. mmmm my mouth is still watering. It was such a nice treat to be cooked for. It was a great night and it was going really good for the kids when all of a sudden Emily comes out of a bedroom, hair in front of her face, crying yet breath taken. She fell off the top bunk onto a big fish aquarium and hurt the side of her ribs. She has a nasty gash and she's pretty sore but thank GOD it didn't do more damage to her. We're just thankful she didn't hit her head. She'll be sore for awhile but she's a trooper and she'll be aok.

Last night was a big moment in Mr. Carter's lil life. He has been dealing with his first "loose tooth". Scarey for the little man. He was so worried about losing a part of his body and he was crying all week and did not want to lose this tooth. Until last night it was soooooooo loose and he got the courage to try and pull it himself and it came right out. He went from being scared to proud at the snap of a finger. Lucky man the tooth fairy came and he is so happy he is a little more grown up today. Now he keeps asking when his adult tooth is going to come in and if it means he's going to be big like his dad now.

Well I think I've spent enough time on the computer for the moment. Justin is upstairs managing the boys and that's an intersting task for one person. Cohen is probably trying to stick more of our belongings down the vent :0) So till next time........ toodles..........

6th Week

2007-11-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

We went for our ultrasound yesterday and everything is looking great. I feel a little less nervous but not completely at ease yet. I know I shouldn't worry and I should just enjoy the moment and be happy everything is going good but I'm so scared of the "what if's" just because we've had such problems in the past. Other than that I've been feeling rather well. Tired of course but Cohen has me running around all day so that explains that, and a little nausea here and there but nothing crazy. The only thing that's been happening nonstop is heartburn and indigestion oh goodness I drink water and I've got heartburn. But I can live with that if that's the only trouble I get. Please continue to keep us in your prayers and help us get through this first trimester trouble free. Thank you for your well wishes, prayers and support. It means a lot to us!!!

Only Treats this Halloween

2007-11-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

On October 28th our dearest friends Kristin and Eric welcomed their first lil baby Harrison Gunnar Amundson. He's such a cute baby.

Justin's book contract is almost complete well actually it is finally complete he is just going to sign it and start writing and he needs to have it finished by June which is perfect timing because we have BABY #4 COMING LATE JUNE BEGINNING OF JULY!!!! Yeah that's right, the Seitz's have done it again *swoooooot*. We are so excited. We're praying for a great pregnancy. Last one was just too scarey so if you could all pray with us we'd love that and appreciate it so much. God's good!!

Here are some Halloween photo's from last night. The kids had a blast of course of course and so did I when I saw how much candy I can sneak into at night. Ok ok maybe I will keep my paws out of their treat bags this year. But if Emily's candy is still around at Easter I'm eating it.

Daddy with his Halloweeners Vampire, B1(banana's in pajama's) and Hannah Montanna

2007-10-29T10:20:00.001-07:00

The Seitz home is FULL of surprises.....
Stay tuned *wink*

Battling the Good Stuff

2007-10-17T20:50:00.001-07:00

So just as Justin has been picked up by one publishing company, another company came in with a very positive agressive swoop and is wanting his book. Wow what a compliment...two publishing companies playing tug o war with my JMan. Such an honor and a blessing and a happy push in the right direction. Other authors have advised Justin that writing a book can be tough and at times you'll feel like giving up but the end is so rewarding to be honest the beginning is just as rewarding and the drive and motivation Justin has right now due to the excitement everyone has is amazing. A huge thank you goes out to my dad, When we were visiting my parents this summer Justin had told my dad of his idea and my dad was very supportive and gung ho and said why not...just go for it and see what happens and good thing he listened. Good thing!

2007-10-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

Oooooooooh I'm so so proud of my husband. The book deal is a go and it's about 90% finalized the 10% left is contracts and paperwork. The publishing company is so excited to work with Justin on his book and they just had really positive feedback for him.

When we first moved out here Justin worked for his brother in a tar pit and it totally felt like hell, I mean tech guy working in tar sounds hellish to me too however the lesson he learned was how much he appreciated life and his family and his career in the tech industry and to not take one day for granted. Ever since we've been distanced from the drama and nonsense and focused on the good and promising, life has completely turned around and it's been an amazing experience. Every second we've endured out here has been worth it and we've been able to do it all as a family.

We'll keep everyone posted as the book moves along, Please pray for continual motivation (as writing a book can take time) and thank you for walking along this journey with us as friends and family.

2007-10-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

The leaves are changing color, the weather is much cooler and it rains every once in awhile. I love fall!!
I'm fully recovered from my surgery. I feel awesome except during ovulation it looks like that trouble will never go away and the doc said the only cure is another baby (short term cure). Oh how that would be so nice -- who knows what the future will bring ;0)
Our Thanksgiving weekend was so nice. It started off with a date, Justin and I hadn't been on a date in 10mths. Cohen just needed to be fed so much that it wasn't possible but now that he's on a great schedule we're able to go out ALONE!!!!!!! We had our dear friends Kristin and Eric over for dinner, I cooked a ham and leftovers made a nice warm soup Mmmm. Then Monday we had a turkey dinner with our senior friends in Penticton, Beverly and Emery. It was great until Cohen got bit in the face by their dog. Not the dogs fault, even though I would like to think so but he is a good dog. Cohen tripped over his bum and got nipped right under the eye, starting at the bottom of his lower eyelid. Luckily it didn't break the skin, he had a nasty bruise and swelling but it's already looking way better, you can't even tell he was bit, looks more like a fall. Thank God it wasn't worse.
Now Papa is down, he arrived at our place this morning and it's been so joyful around here. I love when he visits because he's so involved with the children and he plays right down to their level and doesn't stop until they go to bed. So tomorrow night we're having a family dinner with Justin's aunt and husband and papa. I love cooking for people so tomorrow I'm making a rice pilaf, greek salad and Chicken stuffed with feta and marinaded in a verde sauce. mmmmm and Chocolate brownies for dessert. Ohh so hungry already.
We have some great news to share....Justin had an idea for a Technical book so he wrote a 17 page proposal and gave it to his agent who has then been sending it off to publishers. We had some feedback on Friday first from Justin's publisher with good news that his book idea is liked a lot and the publishers think Justin would be a perfect fit for their company. Then he was contact by an editor from the company with the same news and that they would like to have a more formal phone meeting with him on Monday. First stage, and it's so exciting. We're not too sure what's going to come of this quite yet but just the thought of someone liking Justin's idea is appreciated so hopefully the news just keeps getting better. We're trying to wait for Monday very patiently but it's hard. This is where the "Univeral Remote" would come in hand.
As soon as Cohen's bruises are gone we're going to do some family fall photo's. I'm so excited to take some pictures of the kids in the leaves....so stay tuned.

2007-10-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving EVERYONE!!

October

2007-10-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy October has arrived. I love fall. It is my favorite season, the chill, the colors, the leaves on the ground and Thanksgiving. We have my father in law visiting this month and his sister Aunt Shirley and her husband have moved to Penticton so we will be able to have some nice much needed family time with my in laws. It's always fun when Papa comes and the kids just can't wait....me either. He's so playful and loving and overall a very special man, always thinking with his heart. We are also awaiting a new baby in the family, our dearest friends Kristin and Eric are due at the end of the month. I'm so excited. We're finally going to be mommy's together!!! Cohen is going to have a lil playmate close in age and there is going to be another baby around how sweet is that.

Life around here is starting to settle a little. I"m starting to get back in my groove. I'm still sore but it's getting better. I start really cramping up when I am doing to much or walking to much but on the flip side it feels soooo good to be doing things again and getting out for some fresh air. Yesterday we went for a drive around the village, there was a baby bear walking around. We were too late, didn't see it but it was still exciting. We've had amazing help and support from our fellow villagers. We've had meals, and pick ups and drop offs for the kids, some babysitting, housecleaning. I've never seen a more caring village where people just stop in the middle of whatever they are doing (even driving ;) to see how we're doing and how I'm feeling. It's amazing. I love the warmth and friendship in this town. It's been a very positive experience for our family, this move was one of the best moves ever.

Cohen is demanding some attention, he's snacking on the wooden table, so he must need food, real food ;)
Till next time
Thank you!!

It's My Life

Putting you back on the shelf....

~its raining~

Bird of Summer

Singin a New Song

Dreaming

Lucy Schwartz - Gravity [Official Music Video]

Starlight Starbright

Self Induced Craziness

Happy and Free

....

Out with the old in with the new :)

Out of My Hands

He never let's go!

These put the "Be" back in Be-auty!

When it snows.....

Cheers to Chocolate

This is......

Life is Autumn

Hold Onto Hope Love

Sometimes...

A Moment to Ponder......

Blogger Is Back!

I love you too........

from the inside....out

No Words......

Amidst the Chaos

Randomness Day

Happy Easter

:S

A Kit Kat Moment

My Climb

What's your miracle?

~*Forever*~

Dearest Daughter

It's Up...

Proverbs 4:23

My Vacation...

This Cross

The Name Meme

Heaven's Mailbox

#19

Hmmmm'ing

25 Random Things About Me

i'm trying..............

Well...Well...

Happy New Year!!

A little bit about us.....

Right O

Psalm 89:2

2 Samuel 22:2,3

Oh Baby!!

The panic is on...

2 weeks :0)

Some Family Tidbits

Oy Vay....what next?

Home Sweet Home

Whose Belly is Bigger????

"i boogie"

A Great Day...and many more to follow!!

Update

Heartbroken

I'm Sorry....Say that again???

Uffffff

Bumper Belly

25 wks

Bibbity bobbity boooo....

We're here and waiting....

Cohen

Remember Me?

S-A-T-U-R----DAY

Private no more?

Going Private

Kicks of Joy

Nerves

2008------sloooow down

The Blessed Things 2008 Brings

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

Moments like these....

~Forever~